Series 1 Farhat Hashmi
Lecture in Urdu : Hum aur humare bache (Islamic parenting by dr Farhat Hashmi )
Venue : Pakistan Academy ,oudh medtha.Dubai.
date:13th Jan 2012
Recap of last weeks class :
Mothers must breast feed children , this is a right of the child.
Take care of others kids also then goodness will return to you,khair will come to you.
Include your child in prayers,always make them participate in ibaadaat , in acts of worship.
Take views of your kids also.Respect the kids , their opinion..
If there is disagreement, then explain and give reasons to children on why there is an issue.Remember How our nabi (saws) used to love children.
Remember this and follow sunnah when loving your children,make it a habit by remembering Hadith, then it is an act of worship.
Prophet saws used to smell children ,also any new seasonal fruit he used to give to the youngest child.
At times we are not consistent in our behavior as parents,then we dont give them that atmosphere for them to correct themselves.if kids see that parents are fighting then they grow to be argumentative.
To become ideal parents there are certain conditions that we need to follow:
To express love to them and to show that u care for them
To build self esteem in the kids, help the kids to develop self confidence.
Respect kids so they learn to respect you.
Acknowledge their little jobs,accept their errors and encourage them for their good doings.
The parent should have the knowledge n skills of nurturing children.
Keep realistic expectation from children,don't have high expectations.
The conditions that you lay down to keep the discipline of the child maintain the same,do not break your own rules for example sleeping at eight.if that is the rule then ensure that it is followed.
Keep those limits which are possible to keep.
Kids need to be in their limit and give their opinion.
Build self esteem in kids,help the kids in building their self confidence.
This is today's topic.for the child just love and affection is not enough ,in order to face challenges of the world we need to develop these skills.so how do we do it??
Whatever the goodness the child has, encourage the child ( in urdu-khaas salahitaon ke bare mein bacche ko encourage kiya jaye).encourage the positive qualities in your children.we take our kids for granted but we should list down consciously their good qualities.this was the assignment of last week.
The problem with us is that we keep emphasizing the bad qualities and forget the good ones.do not keep repeating the bad qualities as they start believing that they are bad,they develop low self esteem, they don't see any ambition in life.( worst scenario of low self esteem is where such children have suicidal tendencies).
Trouble behavior in a child arises as you do not understand their requirements.when a child is being disobedient,then remember that you have wronged somewhere,it is my mistake so do a lot of istighfaar and read ayataa kareema (21:87)لَّا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِالِمِينَ
La ilaaha ill a unta subhaanakaa inni kunto minal dhaalameen.
(And Yunus, when he went away in wrath, so he thought that We would not straiten him, so he called out among afflictions: There is no god but Thou, glory be to Thee; surely I am of those who make themselves to suffer loss. (21:87) “And (remember) Dhun-Nun (Jonah), when he went off in anger, and imagined that We shall not punish him (i.e. the calamities which had befallen him)! But he cried through the darkness (saying): La ilaha illa Anta [none has the right to be worshipped but You (O Allah)], Glorified (and Exalted) are You [above all that (evil) they associate with You]! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers”. )
and make a lot of istighfaar,it is easy to correct the child when they are young a little difficult when they grow up but never lose hope ,ask Allah to give Hidayat,it is in Allah's hands to give guidance.sometimes we see that parents are not so religious but their children are extremely religious,this is because of hidayah,guidance is in Allah's Hands.Allah guides whomsoever HE wills. This is a khaas Rahmaah.
Be happy when u have a problem child, this child is a gem, just carve this child in the best mould they will shine the most,remember it is difficult to identify a diamond and with the right cut,carving it shines with brilliance,always remember the example of Hazrat Omar and khalid bin waleed, how difficult were they before they entered islam and how islam flourished after they took their shahadah.Islaam spread far and wide in Hazrat Omar s times and Khalid bin waleed was such a great warrior,who made many conquests for Islamic empire.
These kids are very special ,normally we get tougher with such children,we call them names like dumb we call them lazy and nikammaaa ( useless ),then these things if said by mom leaves a very strong negative influence as such a child feels dejected,and believes it to be true,the child feels that if the mother ,the one who has given birth,feels like this then who else should he turn to who else is there if my mum feels like this,they imagine it to be true and label themselves as useless.do not label your child!
We lose our patience and get irritated,we give them" taane" ,taunt them,where the child's confidence gets destroyed.then we say this child cannot do while the other child in the family is given the status of hero.instead of criticizing when the child goes wrong ,deal with patience,and explain to the child,keep yourself in the child's position am I so capable of doing it.
Nuktaa chinni Bahut na Karen it is very wrong, ( this means that don't keep constantly highlighting his minutest error) ESP in front of others, other kids.tell the child that the job he is doing wrong don't label the child with negative attributes,don't call him a thief ,lazy or a liar, but explain to him tell him the bad effects of stealing,being lazy or even lying.Do not ridicule the child but address the incorrect action he is doing,do not call him a thief as he will imagine it about himself.
Don't spy on the kids,don't read their messages,don't tell them that u know his wrong doings,but you will indirectly tell him about the effects of such wrong action.for egs a child is smoking and the parents come to know,then do not expose him, indirectly tell him what is wrong in that.for egs if you realise that your son has smoked then ask him about it if he tries to cover up saying that his friend has smoked then do not pounce on him or confront him instead explain to him that he should be in good company,show that you trust your child,remind him of the famous hadith (which is as follows) which states that we get influenced by the types of companions we have:
In a Hadith Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith's bellows (respectively). So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith's bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him." [Bukhari & Muslim]
Children need good models ,not critics .if we practice the most of the sunnah then we will become good models for them.
Don't keep repeating about their wrong doings always.if he does good then appreciate it and if any mistake then explain and correct them.never have doubts about what they say, do not be suspicious about them,always help in increasing their self esteem.
How can we increase the self esteem, the way of our nabi ( saws):
Once Anas RA has narrated that he was taken by his father,who handed him over to nabi ( saws) by saying that this child has wisdom and he is only ten years old.
So the first step was taken by the parents of Anas who recognized his good qualities and made him serve prophet.so Anas RA always was with nabi, and he was never questioned by prophet (saws) why he did so and so work or never questioned him, so he helped in developing the child's confidence and self esteem.
So we must give responsibility to our children to increase their self esteem.
When Zaid was brought to nabi, he was introduced that this child has learnt more than ten suraahs so nabi advised that he should learn the Jewish language Hebrew.so he learnt within 15 days and would read the letters and also reply on behalf of prophet (saws).
Never discourage kids to not sit with adults,always impart the elders wisdom to children, make them sit with elders so they learn how to interact and learn the etiquettes. The mums who encourage kids to sit with scholars, grand parents notice that thwir children love such gatherings.for egs if a kid sees ,meets,interacts with scholars at young age then they will love to hear such talks.
Do u know why kids don't love to sit in gatherings of elders, this is because we do not give them importance.
Hazrat Omar RA used to make ibn Abbas sit in the gatherings of elders, ppl questioned why do u allow this child to sit amongst elders.once they elders were discussing on the Tafseer of Surah Nasr,everyone gave a different explanation ,so Omar RA called the child and asked can u answer the meaning of Surah Nasr and why was it revealed.. izaa jaaa nas rullah...the child was the only one to give the right answer ! He said that this surah was revealed to prophet indicating that the victory for Muslims is near and that prophet Muhammad (saws) has completed his mission and will soon be leaving us, to this Hazrat Omar said that this is exactly how I have understood as well.Subhanallah. imagine how the child's self esteem would have gone higher !
Always give children responsibility from very young age...prophet saws used to let his grandsons climb on him even when praying his salaat.so he was questioned so nabi answered that they will lead in future ,they are my Sardar ,so this is a way of encouraging the child's self esteem.
Always give positive strokes to the child don't burden them.
Never ridicule the child for his weakness,never let anyone bully the child for their weakness like if stammering,or overweight...
Like Sahabah were laughing at the thin legs...heavier than mount uhudd in DOJ..
Also example of the child who teased the muaaziin and how nabi dealt with him..
Example of zaid when Surah munafiqoon was revealed,
Teach your children how to handle criticism ( it is available from Quran).DrFarhat Hashmi tells us from her own experience how she researched from the Quran and explained to her son on how to handle criticism.
We must respect the children in order to get respect from them.children are young have gentle hearts.
Different types of ways to respect and teach respect:
1: Tone of your voice( always talk with love with them)
2: select positive words and speak with love.
3: give quality time with love,( fix time with your kids, complete focus,switch off mobile,turn off tv)no mobile time,give complete attention to child,if you dont have eye contact with your children then you will not develop love.
4: give space to children, If they err then give them benefit of doubt.( share your things allow them to use your stuff,they want to be part of your real life)(( kids enjoy wearing mums shoes,dupatta,they out of love like to use their mums things)( never express your weakness on the kids,if you don't know technology learn the new challenges of life,if they are on Facebook then u also open account and see what they are doing)if you don't give time to children then you have lost out,ppl guard their bank accounts but forget to spend quality time with their children.
5;Anas RA said that nabi was of the highest noble character,extremely polite ,once nabi said that go somewhere and he refused although he wanted to do it,and later he asked him that have u done the job, so Anas said that I will do it...
6: Also take permission from kids, what do u say shall we do it?
7: protect the children's rights,give them gifts .from hadith once Najashi had sent gifts of jewels to our nabi, so he (saws) called umaamaa his grand daughter and asked her to wear it and take it.
8:give them confidence and help them from coming out of wrongdoings.there is a method by being with them,advising them.
9:we should know the discipline techniques.for ex ask the child to pour water from mug,she will spill, then be patient and ignore don't get mad at the child,be gentle and teach again.
10:earlier Anas used to come in or go out of the house w'out seeking permission then when the ayaat was revealed of taking permission before entering the house, then our nabi informed him that now the ayaat has been revealed therefore Anas compiled to the instruction.
11:if you have given some work to the child, make sure that the job has been completed don't leave it incomplete, ensure that the child has completed the job .
12: explain clearly your expectations to the children,also teach children to make duas, ask from Allah.for egs when Fatima Came asking for slave/servants to help her in household chores ,her father nabi ( saws) taught her to say the tasbeeh!
Teach them how to keep a secret,for egs Fatima never exposed her dads secrets,that is an Amaanah it needs to be guarded.
13: be consistent.if you asked for salaat then ensure that he is performing the salat.
14:Allah loves the things/ good deeds which are continuos persistent.
15: if the child has wronged then punishment should be given if valid.
16: set the limits,remind them to take permission,kids should have separate beds as soon as they are ten.always get them connected with Allah' s likes and dislikes ( halaal/ haraam).teach children what is halal to be eaten and what not to be eaten haraam.
Lecture in Urdu : Hum aur humare bache (Islamic parenting by dr Farhat Hashmi )
Venue : Pakistan Academy ,oudh medtha.Dubai.
date:13th Jan 2012
Recap of last weeks class :
Mothers must breast feed children , this is a right of the child.
Take care of others kids also then goodness will return to you,khair will come to you.
Include your child in prayers,always make them participate in ibaadaat , in acts of worship.
Take views of your kids also.Respect the kids , their opinion..
If there is disagreement, then explain and give reasons to children on why there is an issue.Remember How our nabi (saws) used to love children.
Remember this and follow sunnah when loving your children,make it a habit by remembering Hadith, then it is an act of worship.
Prophet saws used to smell children ,also any new seasonal fruit he used to give to the youngest child.
At times we are not consistent in our behavior as parents,then we dont give them that atmosphere for them to correct themselves.if kids see that parents are fighting then they grow to be argumentative.
To become ideal parents there are certain conditions that we need to follow:
To express love to them and to show that u care for them
To build self esteem in the kids, help the kids to develop self confidence.
Respect kids so they learn to respect you.
Acknowledge their little jobs,accept their errors and encourage them for their good doings.
The parent should have the knowledge n skills of nurturing children.
Keep realistic expectation from children,don't have high expectations.
The conditions that you lay down to keep the discipline of the child maintain the same,do not break your own rules for example sleeping at eight.if that is the rule then ensure that it is followed.
Keep those limits which are possible to keep.
Kids need to be in their limit and give their opinion.
Build self esteem in kids,help the kids in building their self confidence.
This is today's topic.for the child just love and affection is not enough ,in order to face challenges of the world we need to develop these skills.so how do we do it??
Whatever the goodness the child has, encourage the child ( in urdu-khaas salahitaon ke bare mein bacche ko encourage kiya jaye).encourage the positive qualities in your children.we take our kids for granted but we should list down consciously their good qualities.this was the assignment of last week.
The problem with us is that we keep emphasizing the bad qualities and forget the good ones.do not keep repeating the bad qualities as they start believing that they are bad,they develop low self esteem, they don't see any ambition in life.( worst scenario of low self esteem is where such children have suicidal tendencies).
Trouble behavior in a child arises as you do not understand their requirements.when a child is being disobedient,then remember that you have wronged somewhere,it is my mistake so do a lot of istighfaar and read ayataa kareema (21:87)لَّا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِالِمِينَ
La ilaaha ill a unta subhaanakaa inni kunto minal dhaalameen.
(And Yunus, when he went away in wrath, so he thought that We would not straiten him, so he called out among afflictions: There is no god but Thou, glory be to Thee; surely I am of those who make themselves to suffer loss. (21:87) “And (remember) Dhun-Nun (Jonah), when he went off in anger, and imagined that We shall not punish him (i.e. the calamities which had befallen him)! But he cried through the darkness (saying): La ilaha illa Anta [none has the right to be worshipped but You (O Allah)], Glorified (and Exalted) are You [above all that (evil) they associate with You]! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers”. )
and make a lot of istighfaar,it is easy to correct the child when they are young a little difficult when they grow up but never lose hope ,ask Allah to give Hidayat,it is in Allah's hands to give guidance.sometimes we see that parents are not so religious but their children are extremely religious,this is because of hidayah,guidance is in Allah's Hands.Allah guides whomsoever HE wills. This is a khaas Rahmaah.
Be happy when u have a problem child, this child is a gem, just carve this child in the best mould they will shine the most,remember it is difficult to identify a diamond and with the right cut,carving it shines with brilliance,always remember the example of Hazrat Omar and khalid bin waleed, how difficult were they before they entered islam and how islam flourished after they took their shahadah.Islaam spread far and wide in Hazrat Omar s times and Khalid bin waleed was such a great warrior,who made many conquests for Islamic empire.
These kids are very special ,normally we get tougher with such children,we call them names like dumb we call them lazy and nikammaaa ( useless ),then these things if said by mom leaves a very strong negative influence as such a child feels dejected,and believes it to be true,the child feels that if the mother ,the one who has given birth,feels like this then who else should he turn to who else is there if my mum feels like this,they imagine it to be true and label themselves as useless.do not label your child!
We lose our patience and get irritated,we give them" taane" ,taunt them,where the child's confidence gets destroyed.then we say this child cannot do while the other child in the family is given the status of hero.instead of criticizing when the child goes wrong ,deal with patience,and explain to the child,keep yourself in the child's position am I so capable of doing it.
Nuktaa chinni Bahut na Karen it is very wrong, ( this means that don't keep constantly highlighting his minutest error) ESP in front of others, other kids.tell the child that the job he is doing wrong don't label the child with negative attributes,don't call him a thief ,lazy or a liar, but explain to him tell him the bad effects of stealing,being lazy or even lying.Do not ridicule the child but address the incorrect action he is doing,do not call him a thief as he will imagine it about himself.
Don't spy on the kids,don't read their messages,don't tell them that u know his wrong doings,but you will indirectly tell him about the effects of such wrong action.for egs a child is smoking and the parents come to know,then do not expose him, indirectly tell him what is wrong in that.for egs if you realise that your son has smoked then ask him about it if he tries to cover up saying that his friend has smoked then do not pounce on him or confront him instead explain to him that he should be in good company,show that you trust your child,remind him of the famous hadith (which is as follows) which states that we get influenced by the types of companions we have:
In a Hadith Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith's bellows (respectively). So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith's bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him." [Bukhari & Muslim]
Children need good models ,not critics .if we practice the most of the sunnah then we will become good models for them.
Don't keep repeating about their wrong doings always.if he does good then appreciate it and if any mistake then explain and correct them.never have doubts about what they say, do not be suspicious about them,always help in increasing their self esteem.
How can we increase the self esteem, the way of our nabi ( saws):
Once Anas RA has narrated that he was taken by his father,who handed him over to nabi ( saws) by saying that this child has wisdom and he is only ten years old.
So the first step was taken by the parents of Anas who recognized his good qualities and made him serve prophet.so Anas RA always was with nabi, and he was never questioned by prophet (saws) why he did so and so work or never questioned him, so he helped in developing the child's confidence and self esteem.
So we must give responsibility to our children to increase their self esteem.
When Zaid was brought to nabi, he was introduced that this child has learnt more than ten suraahs so nabi advised that he should learn the Jewish language Hebrew.so he learnt within 15 days and would read the letters and also reply on behalf of prophet (saws).
Never discourage kids to not sit with adults,always impart the elders wisdom to children, make them sit with elders so they learn how to interact and learn the etiquettes. The mums who encourage kids to sit with scholars, grand parents notice that thwir children love such gatherings.for egs if a kid sees ,meets,interacts with scholars at young age then they will love to hear such talks.
Do u know why kids don't love to sit in gatherings of elders, this is because we do not give them importance.
Hazrat Omar RA used to make ibn Abbas sit in the gatherings of elders, ppl questioned why do u allow this child to sit amongst elders.once they elders were discussing on the Tafseer of Surah Nasr,everyone gave a different explanation ,so Omar RA called the child and asked can u answer the meaning of Surah Nasr and why was it revealed.. izaa jaaa nas rullah...the child was the only one to give the right answer ! He said that this surah was revealed to prophet indicating that the victory for Muslims is near and that prophet Muhammad (saws) has completed his mission and will soon be leaving us, to this Hazrat Omar said that this is exactly how I have understood as well.Subhanallah. imagine how the child's self esteem would have gone higher !
Always give children responsibility from very young age...prophet saws used to let his grandsons climb on him even when praying his salaat.so he was questioned so nabi answered that they will lead in future ,they are my Sardar ,so this is a way of encouraging the child's self esteem.
Always give positive strokes to the child don't burden them.
Never ridicule the child for his weakness,never let anyone bully the child for their weakness like if stammering,or overweight...
Like Sahabah were laughing at the thin legs...heavier than mount uhudd in DOJ..
Also example of the child who teased the muaaziin and how nabi dealt with him..
Example of zaid when Surah munafiqoon was revealed,
Teach your children how to handle criticism ( it is available from Quran).DrFarhat Hashmi tells us from her own experience how she researched from the Quran and explained to her son on how to handle criticism.
We must respect the children in order to get respect from them.children are young have gentle hearts.
Different types of ways to respect and teach respect:
1: Tone of your voice( always talk with love with them)
2: select positive words and speak with love.
3: give quality time with love,( fix time with your kids, complete focus,switch off mobile,turn off tv)no mobile time,give complete attention to child,if you dont have eye contact with your children then you will not develop love.
4: give space to children, If they err then give them benefit of doubt.( share your things allow them to use your stuff,they want to be part of your real life)(( kids enjoy wearing mums shoes,dupatta,they out of love like to use their mums things)( never express your weakness on the kids,if you don't know technology learn the new challenges of life,if they are on Facebook then u also open account and see what they are doing)if you don't give time to children then you have lost out,ppl guard their bank accounts but forget to spend quality time with their children.
5;Anas RA said that nabi was of the highest noble character,extremely polite ,once nabi said that go somewhere and he refused although he wanted to do it,and later he asked him that have u done the job, so Anas said that I will do it...
6: Also take permission from kids, what do u say shall we do it?
7: protect the children's rights,give them gifts .from hadith once Najashi had sent gifts of jewels to our nabi, so he (saws) called umaamaa his grand daughter and asked her to wear it and take it.
8:give them confidence and help them from coming out of wrongdoings.there is a method by being with them,advising them.
9:we should know the discipline techniques.for ex ask the child to pour water from mug,she will spill, then be patient and ignore don't get mad at the child,be gentle and teach again.
10:earlier Anas used to come in or go out of the house w'out seeking permission then when the ayaat was revealed of taking permission before entering the house, then our nabi informed him that now the ayaat has been revealed therefore Anas compiled to the instruction.
11:if you have given some work to the child, make sure that the job has been completed don't leave it incomplete, ensure that the child has completed the job .
12: explain clearly your expectations to the children,also teach children to make duas, ask from Allah.for egs when Fatima Came asking for slave/servants to help her in household chores ,her father nabi ( saws) taught her to say the tasbeeh!
Teach them how to keep a secret,for egs Fatima never exposed her dads secrets,that is an Amaanah it needs to be guarded.
13: be consistent.if you asked for salaat then ensure that he is performing the salat.
14:Allah loves the things/ good deeds which are continuos persistent.
15: if the child has wronged then punishment should be given if valid.
16: set the limits,remind them to take permission,kids should have separate beds as soon as they are ten.always get them connected with Allah' s likes and dislikes ( halaal/ haraam).teach children what is halal to be eaten and what not to be eaten haraam.
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