Parenting Series : 8th week
Dr Farhat Hashmi
Date & time :12 th March 2012 & 11 am
Venue : Al Huda in Al Mullah premises
Website link to hear the lectures: http://www.farhathashmi.com/dn/Parenting.aspx
Bismillah...
Today is the last lecture from the series..whatever principles we have learnt we will recap it and some other imp points.we will learn today,how to use all the principles together,we have learnt twelve diff rules to become successful parents.
Then we learnt on tips on how to enhance their skills, how to praise ,remind and inculcate obedience in them, how to tell them what you aspire for the child, then let the child utter what you aim for her, then remind with praise and reinforce the same,the parent should not forget the principles they have been instilled in the child.also teaching children how to have good manners,so we as parents need to check themselves that we are not taunting and teasing and unknowingly we are responsible for the child developing a bad habit.
Don't just see what they don't do but also check appreciate what they do..
A child may forget at times get slack so we should remind them..also ignore certain mistakes at times,some cases of children may be difficult.especially when the child shouts back at parents ,this is as a result of them watching the parents behaviour.so first of all we need to remember we are Muslims where elders are respected and Consideration given to young,if we as mothers are being disrespective towards parents, inlaws the child will repay you with the same.also make rules in house how should be the manners be, the way to talk at home, no one screams at home, no one uses bad words,no one walks thumping feet in the house,this rule should be across the board not just for one child.
If your child does not do the job he was meant to then don't take them out for drive, as they did not do what they were supposed to,or take away the liberty which was given,so temporarily take it away,then when the child has done something good then return it back.
Always be descriptive in your explaining to the child,so it becomes clear for the child as to what he did wrong.so clearly discuss the problems openly and find the solutions with mutual agreement.if you just scream and bang the door behind you the child will never understand what went wrong.
For egs if you asked the child not to wear a particular dress/outfit then after you have disciplined the child, don't ruin the whole day on the same problem ,don't hold grudges against the child, the child will forget this issue the moment he steps out of the house,but if you nag the child with the same issue when he returns,he will learn this bad habit of keeping grudges!
We should not exaggerate anything beyound what is required whether it is good or bad.it won't help anyone,always be moderate in your dealing.
Sometimes we have used all the methods by being nice ,giving gift but still the correction is not made,the child does not improve then remember that guidance comes only from Allah.only when Allah wills the person will be guided.remember Prophet Nuh ale salaam's three sons obeyed him but one son was under peer pressure and he did not obey Nuh ale salaam..
Sometimes a person easily gets influenced by others.how we perceive things sometimes we see but we should not believe,,,for egs Dr Farhat narrated an incident that had occurred the same windy morning ,when she noticed that a light, plastic chair flew into the swimming pool,as it was very windy.So the watchman tried to pull the chair from the pool,at this instance someone else walked in and imagined that the watchman was washing the chairs in the pool water! SubhanAllah :-D ! So the moral of the story is not to always believe what we see,we should analyze also,trust our child also.
Always give benefit of doubt to ur child,Listen to what your child has to say.always reform yourself ,it is not always that parents are correct,they can be wrong too.
So before disciplining the child we need to take care of certain things,for egs
If there are many children who will make noise but certain things we need to be concerned about for egs if child is stealing or using drugs,sometimes the child gets very angry,wants to take revenge,then breaks things around and also hits parents,or extreme moody child stays away from religion, and parents consider them to be hopeless cases.such a child locks himself in the bathroom,some young children sleep thru the day and watch porn in the night ,the parents have no clue as they are sleeping but the child is getting afflicted with such a disease of watching filth thru the night,such a child who does not communicate at all,then it becomes difficult to reform the child.
You cannot cousell such child as they do not speak,extreme cases ,sometimes the other also falls into depression and becomes sick.some kids either lock themselves in the room some don't return home!what should we do --
Never get depressed as this is kufar,disbelief! Allah says in Quran that the human being gets heart broken, depressed very often.Allah says that don't despair from Allah's mercy as this is done by disbelievers,by kaafir.remember how the eleven sons of Yaqub ale salaam did to the father but he was never disappointed,nor did he give up on Allah's mercy!
So it is a major sin to disbelieve ,to despair ( maayoos in urdu) today things like this child will not get any guidance,this is disbelieving in Allah's mercy,this is wrong,major sin!
Never say things like if it has not rained for one year then it will never rain again,Allah can do whatever...never despair on Allah's mercy.
Hadith: once prophet pbuh said that don't ask about three types of ppl what kind of punishment ( Azaab)they will get.... someone fights to get honour ,then remember that we must do such good deeds or have such manners that the ppl are bound to respect you,do not demand it but acquire respect.if someone has mustard seed worth of arrogance then he will not go in jannah.
Also another such person, who will have doubts in Allah's actions,in Allah's Rububiyaa HIS lordship who does not know Allah..
At times you would have noticed that you are being patient with the child and you are trying to bring the child back to good and the child is co operating,so don't give up,never leave the hand of your drowning child till your last breath,never give up.Surah asr.if you see your child is going astray you cannot let them be,prophet pbuh said that Allah laughs at the (mayussii )of his slaves,situations keep changing,
So nabi pbuh was asked Allah laughs, he said yes HE laughs and this is the reason we can expect the best from our Creator...
Never despair from Allah's mercy.read seerah of nabi pbuh,the ppl in Makkah who troubled nabi before accepting islam but later theses are the same ppl who spread the religion to far off land till their end.
Some times in life we want to overlook a problem and go elsewhere not knowing there is a bigger problem.Allah always sends ease with burden.always there is ease with difficulty but we cannot see.
At times many are seated in a small car ,then feel uncomfortable, but when there is a shock brake they are able to support each other .a person who finds ease in the most difficult situations then he is the successful person..
Story of when Hazrat Aaishaa RA had given dates to a mother and her three children,how themother distributed equally among her children,then when she put one in her mouth and the children asked for more,she removed it from her mouth and gave that as well to her children and herself remained hungry, when Hazrat Aaisha narrated this to prophet pbuh ,he said to her that Allah will be very merciful on this mother as she was so kind,good to her children and sacrificed her dates...
Sometimes we as parents do such sacrifices,then whatever efforts you put up,the ranks will be elevated ,at the face of it we compare and say that some mothers children are so obedient and we complain to Allah why did I get such a difficult child.remember this innnamaaal yusri yusraa, with every difficulty there is ease,maybe tomorrow this child will do something big tomorrow..there is always ease with difficulty,,.whenever you are in such situations then remember that Allah has chosen you for more reward and wants to elevate ur ranks,for the Sabar person ,the patient person ,the ajar is bi ghairy hisaab,the ones who have patience reward is unlimited,how happy will be such a person.we always look for easy routes that kids should function like robots!
Most tough times were for the messengers and prophets..
When Difficulty comes ,what is important is what we earned at the end! Did we earn Allah's happiness by staying patient or Allah's wrath by complaining.at times ppl have special needs children,mentally weak, or Autistic,such mums if they do not take such challenges with patience then they are making their lives miserable.
Also another thing is DUA,it is helpful to make duaaa always till last breath,when you make duaa then Allah will easen your issues and also stop any of my future issue...
Always ask Allah to help and don't get restless,( jaldbaazi in Urdu ,hastening to complain)!but be patient!
someone says I make a lot of duaa but I am not sure if Allah accepted it or not..
We need duaa and Davaa ( medicine/means) both together.not just duaa.
Somethings need to be tackled very carefully,if child has wronged then speak to the child without any third person being around,find the issue,then write it down,then write who will do what,what will the child do to correct, what will father do, what will teacher say,clear documentation,no assumptions..in Quraan,. Allah says that everyone creation has been given their jobs.there are times that the parents or household members in joint families have their internal conflicts due to which the child gets affected.for egs there are times the lady has issues with her mother in law ,so the child watches and resents mother as the child finds her grandmother (daadi ) very understanding,very nice and loving while the mother of the child does not get along with the daadi. Allah has given brains,( in Urdu aqal) to everyone, even the child who can gauge and understand the real problem .always write ,not for smaller issues but surely in severe cases always write and then act upon it,for egs child is doing hw but not reading Quran, then write the timing,with mutual agreement set a time for Quran reading.
Interesting terminology in Urdu used by ustazaah stating " Shutur-murg policy" ( like a smart hen,nodding its head always)which means that at times the child does not obey and gets away doing whatever he wishes,if you ask for something he will come up with reasons and dodge you by not doing it ,while at other times when he wants something done from you ,he will get it done. in such cases always get child to sign the contracts ,mutual agreements ,and if the child does not follow ,he should be penalised,then there has to be punishment.Surah hudaibiyaah was written,when was it done when there were extreme tensions.also war with Jews..
There were three parties so written documentation.
Always remind the child that Allah will ask about the promises you made.many ayaat in Quran about "Ahad ,promises...
Hadith: A father brought his child to prophet pbuh to complain that he does not obey him at all.prophet pbuh said to the child that as a child your father has certain rights on you.to this the child asked what are my rights on my father? what is my Haq on my father?prophet pbuh said that first Haq is that he brings u good mother ,gives u good name and teaches you Quran.
This child said that my father brought me a slave mother,Majussi slave mother then he named me ,jaall,means ugly and has never taught me Quran!
so we need to teach the children ,only if we correct ourselves.
The first way is to reform ourselves.after blowing souls what is tine first thing Allah did,promise,pledge ashahdu Allah ilaaahaa.
Also Allah took the Ahad ,oath,promise from Banu aadam that they will not do wrong so we should do the same with our children,Allah also took Ahad from messengers.
Remember promise is always two way, we need to fulfill our promises,this is also important.many times children go astray as they see that parents do not fulFIL their promise,sometimes there is miscommunication .always write down these things so not to lead to misunderstandings.
These are for extreme cases,in spite of all previous principles there is no islaah.nocorrection.Before writing anything,first have open communication,open negotiations,verbal agreement then document the matter.don't force yourself on the child.Always be very clear for egs if you have promised to reward the child by giving an iPhone as the gift ,then specify which model,which version! It shouldnt be that you bring the child a second hand used iPhone 3G while the child was expecting a brand new iPhone 4s!! :-D
TIME BOUND AGREEMENT:
Do not leave it open ended,if you want the child to accomplish some thing achieve something it should be close ended, time frame.if during the agreement time frame,if it has not been completed but the situation changed ,so before the time frame finishes inform the child and then review the agreement and make the changes in the contract.for egs.if a father had promised an expensive gift then father loses the job then review the contact together!
Also for egs someone else comes and tells u that your child, had been to some forbidden place,so what should you do.for egs teach your child to always speak the truth,sometimes remind them make them utter.always remember Samiaanaa wa Ataanaa.
Also Allah has taken the promise that we need to take care of our parents.
We need to be faithful.Also when we get contracts signed then we need to write all points clearly,also mention the loss in aakhiraah,always talk about the loss in front of Allah,in Quran Allah says that HE will not speak to such Faasiq,Allah will be extremely angry with such ppl.
Dr Farhat Hashmi
Date & time :12 th March 2012 & 11 am
Venue : Al Huda in Al Mullah premises
Website link to hear the lectures: http://www.farhathashmi.com/dn/Parenting.aspx
Bismillah...
Today is the last lecture from the series..whatever principles we have learnt we will recap it and some other imp points.we will learn today,how to use all the principles together,we have learnt twelve diff rules to become successful parents.
Then we learnt on tips on how to enhance their skills, how to praise ,remind and inculcate obedience in them, how to tell them what you aspire for the child, then let the child utter what you aim for her, then remind with praise and reinforce the same,the parent should not forget the principles they have been instilled in the child.also teaching children how to have good manners,so we as parents need to check themselves that we are not taunting and teasing and unknowingly we are responsible for the child developing a bad habit.
Don't just see what they don't do but also check appreciate what they do..
A child may forget at times get slack so we should remind them..also ignore certain mistakes at times,some cases of children may be difficult.especially when the child shouts back at parents ,this is as a result of them watching the parents behaviour.so first of all we need to remember we are Muslims where elders are respected and Consideration given to young,if we as mothers are being disrespective towards parents, inlaws the child will repay you with the same.also make rules in house how should be the manners be, the way to talk at home, no one screams at home, no one uses bad words,no one walks thumping feet in the house,this rule should be across the board not just for one child.
If your child does not do the job he was meant to then don't take them out for drive, as they did not do what they were supposed to,or take away the liberty which was given,so temporarily take it away,then when the child has done something good then return it back.
Always be descriptive in your explaining to the child,so it becomes clear for the child as to what he did wrong.so clearly discuss the problems openly and find the solutions with mutual agreement.if you just scream and bang the door behind you the child will never understand what went wrong.
For egs if you asked the child not to wear a particular dress/outfit then after you have disciplined the child, don't ruin the whole day on the same problem ,don't hold grudges against the child, the child will forget this issue the moment he steps out of the house,but if you nag the child with the same issue when he returns,he will learn this bad habit of keeping grudges!
We should not exaggerate anything beyound what is required whether it is good or bad.it won't help anyone,always be moderate in your dealing.
Sometimes we have used all the methods by being nice ,giving gift but still the correction is not made,the child does not improve then remember that guidance comes only from Allah.only when Allah wills the person will be guided.remember Prophet Nuh ale salaam's three sons obeyed him but one son was under peer pressure and he did not obey Nuh ale salaam..
Sometimes a person easily gets influenced by others.how we perceive things sometimes we see but we should not believe,,,for egs Dr Farhat narrated an incident that had occurred the same windy morning ,when she noticed that a light, plastic chair flew into the swimming pool,as it was very windy.So the watchman tried to pull the chair from the pool,at this instance someone else walked in and imagined that the watchman was washing the chairs in the pool water! SubhanAllah :-D ! So the moral of the story is not to always believe what we see,we should analyze also,trust our child also.
Always give benefit of doubt to ur child,Listen to what your child has to say.always reform yourself ,it is not always that parents are correct,they can be wrong too.
So before disciplining the child we need to take care of certain things,for egs
If there are many children who will make noise but certain things we need to be concerned about for egs if child is stealing or using drugs,sometimes the child gets very angry,wants to take revenge,then breaks things around and also hits parents,or extreme moody child stays away from religion, and parents consider them to be hopeless cases.such a child locks himself in the bathroom,some young children sleep thru the day and watch porn in the night ,the parents have no clue as they are sleeping but the child is getting afflicted with such a disease of watching filth thru the night,such a child who does not communicate at all,then it becomes difficult to reform the child.
You cannot cousell such child as they do not speak,extreme cases ,sometimes the other also falls into depression and becomes sick.some kids either lock themselves in the room some don't return home!what should we do --
Never get depressed as this is kufar,disbelief! Allah says in Quran that the human being gets heart broken, depressed very often.Allah says that don't despair from Allah's mercy as this is done by disbelievers,by kaafir.remember how the eleven sons of Yaqub ale salaam did to the father but he was never disappointed,nor did he give up on Allah's mercy!
So it is a major sin to disbelieve ,to despair ( maayoos in urdu) today things like this child will not get any guidance,this is disbelieving in Allah's mercy,this is wrong,major sin!
Never say things like if it has not rained for one year then it will never rain again,Allah can do whatever...never despair on Allah's mercy.
Hadith: once prophet pbuh said that don't ask about three types of ppl what kind of punishment ( Azaab)they will get.... someone fights to get honour ,then remember that we must do such good deeds or have such manners that the ppl are bound to respect you,do not demand it but acquire respect.if someone has mustard seed worth of arrogance then he will not go in jannah.
Also another such person, who will have doubts in Allah's actions,in Allah's Rububiyaa HIS lordship who does not know Allah..
At times you would have noticed that you are being patient with the child and you are trying to bring the child back to good and the child is co operating,so don't give up,never leave the hand of your drowning child till your last breath,never give up.Surah asr.if you see your child is going astray you cannot let them be,prophet pbuh said that Allah laughs at the (mayussii )of his slaves,situations keep changing,
So nabi pbuh was asked Allah laughs, he said yes HE laughs and this is the reason we can expect the best from our Creator...
Never despair from Allah's mercy.read seerah of nabi pbuh,the ppl in Makkah who troubled nabi before accepting islam but later theses are the same ppl who spread the religion to far off land till their end.
Some times in life we want to overlook a problem and go elsewhere not knowing there is a bigger problem.Allah always sends ease with burden.always there is ease with difficulty but we cannot see.
At times many are seated in a small car ,then feel uncomfortable, but when there is a shock brake they are able to support each other .a person who finds ease in the most difficult situations then he is the successful person..
Story of when Hazrat Aaishaa RA had given dates to a mother and her three children,how themother distributed equally among her children,then when she put one in her mouth and the children asked for more,she removed it from her mouth and gave that as well to her children and herself remained hungry, when Hazrat Aaisha narrated this to prophet pbuh ,he said to her that Allah will be very merciful on this mother as she was so kind,good to her children and sacrificed her dates...
Sometimes we as parents do such sacrifices,then whatever efforts you put up,the ranks will be elevated ,at the face of it we compare and say that some mothers children are so obedient and we complain to Allah why did I get such a difficult child.remember this innnamaaal yusri yusraa, with every difficulty there is ease,maybe tomorrow this child will do something big tomorrow..there is always ease with difficulty,,.whenever you are in such situations then remember that Allah has chosen you for more reward and wants to elevate ur ranks,for the Sabar person ,the patient person ,the ajar is bi ghairy hisaab,the ones who have patience reward is unlimited,how happy will be such a person.we always look for easy routes that kids should function like robots!
Most tough times were for the messengers and prophets..
When Difficulty comes ,what is important is what we earned at the end! Did we earn Allah's happiness by staying patient or Allah's wrath by complaining.at times ppl have special needs children,mentally weak, or Autistic,such mums if they do not take such challenges with patience then they are making their lives miserable.
Also another thing is DUA,it is helpful to make duaaa always till last breath,when you make duaa then Allah will easen your issues and also stop any of my future issue...
Always ask Allah to help and don't get restless,( jaldbaazi in Urdu ,hastening to complain)!but be patient!
someone says I make a lot of duaa but I am not sure if Allah accepted it or not..
We need duaa and Davaa ( medicine/means) both together.not just duaa.
Somethings need to be tackled very carefully,if child has wronged then speak to the child without any third person being around,find the issue,then write it down,then write who will do what,what will the child do to correct, what will father do, what will teacher say,clear documentation,no assumptions..in Quraan,. Allah says that everyone creation has been given their jobs.there are times that the parents or household members in joint families have their internal conflicts due to which the child gets affected.for egs there are times the lady has issues with her mother in law ,so the child watches and resents mother as the child finds her grandmother (daadi ) very understanding,very nice and loving while the mother of the child does not get along with the daadi. Allah has given brains,( in Urdu aqal) to everyone, even the child who can gauge and understand the real problem .always write ,not for smaller issues but surely in severe cases always write and then act upon it,for egs child is doing hw but not reading Quran, then write the timing,with mutual agreement set a time for Quran reading.
Interesting terminology in Urdu used by ustazaah stating " Shutur-murg policy" ( like a smart hen,nodding its head always)which means that at times the child does not obey and gets away doing whatever he wishes,if you ask for something he will come up with reasons and dodge you by not doing it ,while at other times when he wants something done from you ,he will get it done. in such cases always get child to sign the contracts ,mutual agreements ,and if the child does not follow ,he should be penalised,then there has to be punishment.Surah hudaibiyaah was written,when was it done when there were extreme tensions.also war with Jews..
There were three parties so written documentation.
Always remind the child that Allah will ask about the promises you made.many ayaat in Quran about "Ahad ,promises...
Hadith: A father brought his child to prophet pbuh to complain that he does not obey him at all.prophet pbuh said to the child that as a child your father has certain rights on you.to this the child asked what are my rights on my father? what is my Haq on my father?prophet pbuh said that first Haq is that he brings u good mother ,gives u good name and teaches you Quran.
This child said that my father brought me a slave mother,Majussi slave mother then he named me ,jaall,means ugly and has never taught me Quran!
so we need to teach the children ,only if we correct ourselves.
The first way is to reform ourselves.after blowing souls what is tine first thing Allah did,promise,pledge ashahdu Allah ilaaahaa.
Also Allah took the Ahad ,oath,promise from Banu aadam that they will not do wrong so we should do the same with our children,Allah also took Ahad from messengers.
Remember promise is always two way, we need to fulfill our promises,this is also important.many times children go astray as they see that parents do not fulFIL their promise,sometimes there is miscommunication .always write down these things so not to lead to misunderstandings.
These are for extreme cases,in spite of all previous principles there is no islaah.nocorrection.Before writing anything,first have open communication,open negotiations,verbal agreement then document the matter.don't force yourself on the child.Always be very clear for egs if you have promised to reward the child by giving an iPhone as the gift ,then specify which model,which version! It shouldnt be that you bring the child a second hand used iPhone 3G while the child was expecting a brand new iPhone 4s!! :-D
TIME BOUND AGREEMENT:
Do not leave it open ended,if you want the child to accomplish some thing achieve something it should be close ended, time frame.if during the agreement time frame,if it has not been completed but the situation changed ,so before the time frame finishes inform the child and then review the agreement and make the changes in the contract.for egs.if a father had promised an expensive gift then father loses the job then review the contact together!
Also for egs someone else comes and tells u that your child, had been to some forbidden place,so what should you do.for egs teach your child to always speak the truth,sometimes remind them make them utter.always remember Samiaanaa wa Ataanaa.
Also Allah has taken the promise that we need to take care of our parents.
We need to be faithful.Also when we get contracts signed then we need to write all points clearly,also mention the loss in aakhiraah,always talk about the loss in front of Allah,in Quran Allah says that HE will not speak to such Faasiq,Allah will be extremely angry with such ppl.
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