Parenting series week 7 ( second last lecture on the topic)
Conducted in Urdu by :Dr Farhat Hashmi
Date & time :28th Feb 2012 (11am)
Venue : Al Huda premises at Mulla plaza
Recap:before starting todays topic we will recall our previous lessons , it will be like a content list .
Our topic is to become successful parents which are the principles we need to adopt ,not only for mischievous kids but also for obedient children.for egs when you bring a new appliance then you learn how to handle it, if you don't learn then you will spoil the appliance.so inorderto bring up kids as they are most precious and very difficult to handle them appropriately.appliances, computers are replaceable and you change the models but children are our own they are precious to us even after our death,this is the reason it is extremely important to bring them up,because if you lose the opportunity you have lost the chance to invest in your future.
To learn these principles,is mandatory for the mothers,not your choice,you must.in order to keep a check on yourself,take the guidance and our approach should be from the Quran and sunnah otherwise there are many books written on parenting,but these may not be so useful.we need to refer to our notes constantly ,it is not a eight week course which you forget but this is a life time process, we cannot let go ,we have to learn and constantly do it.
First thing we learn that to handle the child with love, attention,affection,our children depend on the parents,they always rely on them, so parents need to have patience and there is great reward in it.we need to give them a lot of love and be very good to them ,nurturing has to be done by parents,the maids will take care of food and changing nappy but actual tarbiyaa ,actual nurturing,has to be by parents.also increase ur knowledge as parents so that you can guide them well,be well informed about the changes a child will have as they keep growing.be firm on any rule you plan, do not contradict yourself,don't be lenient with one child and tough with another, give your child independence, they are not your slaves,encourage them to give their opinion, praise them ,also learn how much to praise, analyze your child's weakness and strength,whatever principles you have laid down, reinforce the same with rewards and encouragement.if they err then let them learn from mistakes,so do not hasten them,or rush them, let them learn at their own pace, do not compare with other child.slowly let them cultivate a habit, know the difference between bribe and reward.as long as the child does not finish the job don't reward them.also it is not necessary to gift them with material things ,u can also plan on their holiday.also don't make them used to getting gifts only sometime,create it within themselves so they learn good habits.always have reminders ,remind them .make your child a strong tree and not a creeper,a creeper child will always depend on parents they wait for parents decisions, they wait for them to do home work,such a child will never be confident and will always wait for support from parents.for egs make the habit of namaz ,prayers must,reward them. And then once they develop the habit then they will fear Allah and pray.
Encourage child to imagine about jannah ,explain to them.if a child is not developing a habit of prayer,then understand the reason look for solution, is there Aqeedah problem, is there peer pressure,or lack of motivation first understand the problem.
If you have to prepare a child for something then inform them slowly dont burden them instantly, it is easy for them to do step by step for egs ustazaah Farhat did not tell her kids that she wants them to serve deen, it is like asking a small plant to bear the fruit, this will cause a fear and the child will not do it...
So with your love,give them time ,every child is different ,every plant is different .for egs dr Farhat had been to Mauritius and got an opportunity to visit the botanical garden ,so she was informed about a tree which grows in hundred years bears a flower,then dies!.so if ur tarbiyah is correct then even in barzakh parents will receive reward.
Don't always expect results from ur child ,always facilitate for them,always encourage them...Ibrahim ale salaam ,two sons, Ishaaq ale salaam who had entire lineage of prophets ,from Yaqub to Sulaiman, them ISA bin Maryam came,all this while there is no lineage from Ismail ale Salam, after 2500 years who comes nabi pbuh then the whole world changes.both are sons of Ibrahim,,,,
Aal Imraan, wife of Imraan is Hannah ,whose daughter was Maryam ale Salam whose guardian was her khaalu zakriya ale Salam and from this comes ISA ale Salam.the first lady who Allah chose for the service Deen,Allah provided her with the rizq which no one could provide..what ISA did we have the examples in front of us..
So we should not compare between kids ,if a child is doing good things very fast while the other is slow then don't worry, some palnts bear fruit very late, don't expect instant results, correct your intentions,
A woman's test is from the husband, for egs Imraan ale salaam died but his wife Hannah still decided that she will donate her child to Allah's service.
Every time always focus on your relationship with Allah, actual women empowerment when strong from within with great relationship with Allah.check your uniqueness in yourself,recognize that and get your work done.this is the reason Allah has gifted you and do the work.
Inform the kids what will they get if they do the work,we should encourage them by telling about jannah ,make the. Fear of the hellfire,if you inform them about this then a lot if issues will be solved.actual tarbiyatt is when you create awareness in your child about aakhiratt.also follow up on the children how much have they understood .
Week five we learnt that certain weaknesses take time to be corrected,as strengths can be stenghtened.now when the child is still not learning then,start disciplining, slowly,then ignore them tell them this is unacceptable cannot be tolerated ,sometimes we need to ignore their mistakes ,don't make their mistakes into issues,don't taunt them always,expect ,slowly explain ,give them time ,..
Week six we studied that there is also punishment, be firm then sit with them talk to the point,prepare the ground ,take them corner make sure that you tell them that this is wrong, be firm assert yourself.always face to face ,meet eye to eye and talk on same level,don't talk to much ,it should be effective,control ur self,never raise ur voice.extreme cases just one slap is enough,effective punishment is important ,explain to them with aakhiraah..for egs ustazah said that she feels like beating the child who is not reading naamaz before the angels beat u ...as the angels do beat in hell fire saying did not any messenger warn you,,not reading prayers...
Talk to them About consequences...
Today's talk week 7: misbehavior,and all problem behavior where all their rewards privileges are taken away.Establish Sanctions.
Most of the times parents are confused in these matters,they are unsure if the child should be punished.for egs if you have given phone ,confiscate it .given them car then take away the car keys,anything that you have given some liberty cut on that.
But your punishment should be with fairness.any punishment in Quran also is to be done with actions,mustaqeel mistaajzi Karen,sometimes we punish them take away their pocket money then feel bad and give them double.don't make a long list and asking them not to do so many things,they will not be able to do it, do it step by step.
Give them time to absorb,don't overdose it, for egs we even force them to overeat.we need to check ourselves and then the kids, also do not prolong the punishment. For egs if you do not talk to them for three four days then they will compromise with this kind of punishment,always change the variety of punishment ,keep changing it.for egs some mums threaten that we will tell the father but it has no effect.
Normally parents are not sure about how much to punish the child,for egs a doctor does not give his patient medicine of high potency but gives doses accordingly.kids do not have such farsighted ness as compared to parents who are more experienced.at times children need to be corrected and reformed at times, you need to take away their privilege.for egs how did Allah correct the bani Israel, Allah gave them privileges after freeing them from firawn, then when they did not understand the blessings then Allah took away these from them in duniya.Allah also mentions in Quran than if you do not do the job then a different community will be brought forward, sometimes if you say to the child you will get another child to do the Job then they do it instantly,another way of correcting is that correct yourself else someone else will be replaced in your place...
For egs qaum saba who were ungrateful ,did not appreciate the blessings given by Allah, then ALLAH punished them..the lushgreen tree disappeared and few creepers were left ,this was due to their ungratefulness,Allah takes it away and Allah punishes the ungrateful in this manner.so we need to remember this and in for. This to our children.
Sometimes when we keep giving the kids then they do not appreciate these blessings,they abuse the things given to them,or misusing the liberty of laptop,then we should teach them a lesson that this is wrong.
Similarly don't let your child become greedy,for egs the child is always observing what the cousin has and the chid, demands that he wants the same.this is wrong,sometimes as parents we give them extra thinking that the child will be happy but this does not happen.
Teach children to do good deeds like you do, teach them even after your death,charity should continue,some children do wrong things for egs some say that my father was too generous and gave away so after fathers death we will not give away...this is wrong..
If someone has in excess then the trials for such person is more as such person starts Imagining that he is the provider,so if you are giving this is because Allah has provided you to share it ...and you will be rewarded for that.Allah says be grateful to Allah and be grateful to parents...so if your child not giving in khair so cut on their pocket money and they will understand.
For egs Allah stopped rasul from doing duaaa for abdullah ibn ubayy as he troubled prophet all the time.
For egs if you do not correct the child doing wrong other kids will imagine it to be fine and they all will do wrong things..
Hadith:
Proplebputting up tents in masjid were blocking the path, so prophet got annoyed ,he said that such ppl will not be given the reward of jihad.as others are being hassled.for egs even for istikhaara he put up his tent and everyone starts to put up tent as well..remove not allowed..
Anything done out of competition,does not have any reward,
Soemtimes we get a bad person married to a masoom ( innocent) person this is wrong, an alcoholic son getting married to a normal girl is wrong.
When Ibrahim ale salaam visited the wife of Ismail ale salam,the wife of Ismail started complaining so Ibrahim ale salaam advised his son to leave her! ...
These examples indicate that If the child still misbehaves with the parents,then we need to punish them,th e problem is with us that we are too scared to correct our child,we have to correct them.
Art
If there is any slip related to duniya things then the punishment should be lesser compared to Deen things, we should analyze ourselves.if we do not thing Deen is very important then they will also not learn how important is Deen.check yourselves.
Every mum knows what is the weakness of each child,so punish them accordingly.
For egs once Safia s camel fell sick then nabi said to Zainab to give them the camel,so Zainab said should I give this to yahudiyaa,so prophet Muhammad pbuh did not talk to her for very long time as it was wrong on the part of Zainab to call Safia who was a Muslim ,yahudi,a Jew ,a disbeliever!we should never do this as it is very wrong!
Even for Moosa ale Salam, khider did not continue the journey with him when Moosa ale salaam failed to remain calm and patient...
Islam is a religion of fairness.where there is niceness there is also firmness...
Prophet did not read janazah of a person who committed suicide or whose loan had not been repaid...
When child reaches adolescence then they became very smart,they come up with logic which seem to be difficult to do wrong...be firm in such situation, don't be shaky about confidence...first be well informed make sure you have all the evidence with you before you address the problem with the child, for egs about your child marrying a non Muslim,make sure you explain with it's consequences,evidence from quran and sunnah.don't try emotional blackmail it does not work!
Make loads of duaa,and if your child brings bigger evidence then do not get shaky,NO WAY!! let them not show more power on you,but sometimes if the child is right then we should not our let ego come in Between.for egs a boy wants to marry a righteous girl but from non memon family then you should not stop,.don't stop the child from doing something that Allah has not stopped.and don't let them do something that Allah has forbidden , then tell them that Allah has said this.
For egs Moosa ale salaam met firawn, then he said you are the same person who killed the man and ran away so did this shake Moosa ale salaams confidence,NO!! He just said yes I did but I did not do the wrong.
Children will talk to you in such a manner, for egs that you never wear hijaab then why are you forcing me now at this young age,so explain to them that you were ignorant about it but with knowledge you have changed so the child should not make the same mistakes as parents,,children will manipulate you, never make promises with your children when you are happy,befirm with your kids,
If a child has wronged,made a mistake then correct your child also.for egs billal sold more dates and got less dates ...
What is repentance, whatever has been spoilt correct it..
There and then correct the child ....for egs a person knocked at the door...
Repeatedly make them do the same work so they correct themselves..for egs the person who read namaz and prophet pbuh asked him to read again and again till he corrected himself!
For egs if a child has dropped something ask them to pik it up...
Be consistent & with repetition,make them repeat and if the punishment does not work then something else,Don't hasten with the child constant reminders are required they will learn have to be taught frequently,don't humiliate them so much that they lose confidence, always ask Allah s help,Check your child and analyze when you should reward or punish them...
Conducted in Urdu by :Dr Farhat Hashmi
Date & time :28th Feb 2012 (11am)
Venue : Al Huda premises at Mulla plaza
Recap:before starting todays topic we will recall our previous lessons , it will be like a content list .
Our topic is to become successful parents which are the principles we need to adopt ,not only for mischievous kids but also for obedient children.for egs when you bring a new appliance then you learn how to handle it, if you don't learn then you will spoil the appliance.so inorderto bring up kids as they are most precious and very difficult to handle them appropriately.appliances, computers are replaceable and you change the models but children are our own they are precious to us even after our death,this is the reason it is extremely important to bring them up,because if you lose the opportunity you have lost the chance to invest in your future.
To learn these principles,is mandatory for the mothers,not your choice,you must.in order to keep a check on yourself,take the guidance and our approach should be from the Quran and sunnah otherwise there are many books written on parenting,but these may not be so useful.we need to refer to our notes constantly ,it is not a eight week course which you forget but this is a life time process, we cannot let go ,we have to learn and constantly do it.
First thing we learn that to handle the child with love, attention,affection,our children depend on the parents,they always rely on them, so parents need to have patience and there is great reward in it.we need to give them a lot of love and be very good to them ,nurturing has to be done by parents,the maids will take care of food and changing nappy but actual tarbiyaa ,actual nurturing,has to be by parents.also increase ur knowledge as parents so that you can guide them well,be well informed about the changes a child will have as they keep growing.be firm on any rule you plan, do not contradict yourself,don't be lenient with one child and tough with another, give your child independence, they are not your slaves,encourage them to give their opinion, praise them ,also learn how much to praise, analyze your child's weakness and strength,whatever principles you have laid down, reinforce the same with rewards and encouragement.if they err then let them learn from mistakes,so do not hasten them,or rush them, let them learn at their own pace, do not compare with other child.slowly let them cultivate a habit, know the difference between bribe and reward.as long as the child does not finish the job don't reward them.also it is not necessary to gift them with material things ,u can also plan on their holiday.also don't make them used to getting gifts only sometime,create it within themselves so they learn good habits.always have reminders ,remind them .make your child a strong tree and not a creeper,a creeper child will always depend on parents they wait for parents decisions, they wait for them to do home work,such a child will never be confident and will always wait for support from parents.for egs make the habit of namaz ,prayers must,reward them. And then once they develop the habit then they will fear Allah and pray.
Encourage child to imagine about jannah ,explain to them.if a child is not developing a habit of prayer,then understand the reason look for solution, is there Aqeedah problem, is there peer pressure,or lack of motivation first understand the problem.
If you have to prepare a child for something then inform them slowly dont burden them instantly, it is easy for them to do step by step for egs ustazaah Farhat did not tell her kids that she wants them to serve deen, it is like asking a small plant to bear the fruit, this will cause a fear and the child will not do it...
So with your love,give them time ,every child is different ,every plant is different .for egs dr Farhat had been to Mauritius and got an opportunity to visit the botanical garden ,so she was informed about a tree which grows in hundred years bears a flower,then dies!.so if ur tarbiyah is correct then even in barzakh parents will receive reward.
Don't always expect results from ur child ,always facilitate for them,always encourage them...Ibrahim ale salaam ,two sons, Ishaaq ale salaam who had entire lineage of prophets ,from Yaqub to Sulaiman, them ISA bin Maryam came,all this while there is no lineage from Ismail ale Salam, after 2500 years who comes nabi pbuh then the whole world changes.both are sons of Ibrahim,,,,
Aal Imraan, wife of Imraan is Hannah ,whose daughter was Maryam ale Salam whose guardian was her khaalu zakriya ale Salam and from this comes ISA ale Salam.the first lady who Allah chose for the service Deen,Allah provided her with the rizq which no one could provide..what ISA did we have the examples in front of us..
So we should not compare between kids ,if a child is doing good things very fast while the other is slow then don't worry, some palnts bear fruit very late, don't expect instant results, correct your intentions,
A woman's test is from the husband, for egs Imraan ale salaam died but his wife Hannah still decided that she will donate her child to Allah's service.
Every time always focus on your relationship with Allah, actual women empowerment when strong from within with great relationship with Allah.check your uniqueness in yourself,recognize that and get your work done.this is the reason Allah has gifted you and do the work.
Inform the kids what will they get if they do the work,we should encourage them by telling about jannah ,make the. Fear of the hellfire,if you inform them about this then a lot if issues will be solved.actual tarbiyatt is when you create awareness in your child about aakhiratt.also follow up on the children how much have they understood .
Week five we learnt that certain weaknesses take time to be corrected,as strengths can be stenghtened.now when the child is still not learning then,start disciplining, slowly,then ignore them tell them this is unacceptable cannot be tolerated ,sometimes we need to ignore their mistakes ,don't make their mistakes into issues,don't taunt them always,expect ,slowly explain ,give them time ,..
Week six we studied that there is also punishment, be firm then sit with them talk to the point,prepare the ground ,take them corner make sure that you tell them that this is wrong, be firm assert yourself.always face to face ,meet eye to eye and talk on same level,don't talk to much ,it should be effective,control ur self,never raise ur voice.extreme cases just one slap is enough,effective punishment is important ,explain to them with aakhiraah..for egs ustazah said that she feels like beating the child who is not reading naamaz before the angels beat u ...as the angels do beat in hell fire saying did not any messenger warn you,,not reading prayers...
Talk to them About consequences...
Today's talk week 7: misbehavior,and all problem behavior where all their rewards privileges are taken away.Establish Sanctions.
Most of the times parents are confused in these matters,they are unsure if the child should be punished.for egs if you have given phone ,confiscate it .given them car then take away the car keys,anything that you have given some liberty cut on that.
But your punishment should be with fairness.any punishment in Quran also is to be done with actions,mustaqeel mistaajzi Karen,sometimes we punish them take away their pocket money then feel bad and give them double.don't make a long list and asking them not to do so many things,they will not be able to do it, do it step by step.
Give them time to absorb,don't overdose it, for egs we even force them to overeat.we need to check ourselves and then the kids, also do not prolong the punishment. For egs if you do not talk to them for three four days then they will compromise with this kind of punishment,always change the variety of punishment ,keep changing it.for egs some mums threaten that we will tell the father but it has no effect.
Normally parents are not sure about how much to punish the child,for egs a doctor does not give his patient medicine of high potency but gives doses accordingly.kids do not have such farsighted ness as compared to parents who are more experienced.at times children need to be corrected and reformed at times, you need to take away their privilege.for egs how did Allah correct the bani Israel, Allah gave them privileges after freeing them from firawn, then when they did not understand the blessings then Allah took away these from them in duniya.Allah also mentions in Quran than if you do not do the job then a different community will be brought forward, sometimes if you say to the child you will get another child to do the Job then they do it instantly,another way of correcting is that correct yourself else someone else will be replaced in your place...
For egs qaum saba who were ungrateful ,did not appreciate the blessings given by Allah, then ALLAH punished them..the lushgreen tree disappeared and few creepers were left ,this was due to their ungratefulness,Allah takes it away and Allah punishes the ungrateful in this manner.so we need to remember this and in for. This to our children.
Sometimes when we keep giving the kids then they do not appreciate these blessings,they abuse the things given to them,or misusing the liberty of laptop,then we should teach them a lesson that this is wrong.
Similarly don't let your child become greedy,for egs the child is always observing what the cousin has and the chid, demands that he wants the same.this is wrong,sometimes as parents we give them extra thinking that the child will be happy but this does not happen.
Teach children to do good deeds like you do, teach them even after your death,charity should continue,some children do wrong things for egs some say that my father was too generous and gave away so after fathers death we will not give away...this is wrong..
If someone has in excess then the trials for such person is more as such person starts Imagining that he is the provider,so if you are giving this is because Allah has provided you to share it ...and you will be rewarded for that.Allah says be grateful to Allah and be grateful to parents...so if your child not giving in khair so cut on their pocket money and they will understand.
For egs Allah stopped rasul from doing duaaa for abdullah ibn ubayy as he troubled prophet all the time.
For egs if you do not correct the child doing wrong other kids will imagine it to be fine and they all will do wrong things..
Hadith:
Proplebputting up tents in masjid were blocking the path, so prophet got annoyed ,he said that such ppl will not be given the reward of jihad.as others are being hassled.for egs even for istikhaara he put up his tent and everyone starts to put up tent as well..remove not allowed..
Anything done out of competition,does not have any reward,
Soemtimes we get a bad person married to a masoom ( innocent) person this is wrong, an alcoholic son getting married to a normal girl is wrong.
When Ibrahim ale salaam visited the wife of Ismail ale salam,the wife of Ismail started complaining so Ibrahim ale salaam advised his son to leave her! ...
These examples indicate that If the child still misbehaves with the parents,then we need to punish them,th e problem is with us that we are too scared to correct our child,we have to correct them.
Art
If there is any slip related to duniya things then the punishment should be lesser compared to Deen things, we should analyze ourselves.if we do not thing Deen is very important then they will also not learn how important is Deen.check yourselves.
Every mum knows what is the weakness of each child,so punish them accordingly.
For egs once Safia s camel fell sick then nabi said to Zainab to give them the camel,so Zainab said should I give this to yahudiyaa,so prophet Muhammad pbuh did not talk to her for very long time as it was wrong on the part of Zainab to call Safia who was a Muslim ,yahudi,a Jew ,a disbeliever!we should never do this as it is very wrong!
Even for Moosa ale Salam, khider did not continue the journey with him when Moosa ale salaam failed to remain calm and patient...
Islam is a religion of fairness.where there is niceness there is also firmness...
Prophet did not read janazah of a person who committed suicide or whose loan had not been repaid...
When child reaches adolescence then they became very smart,they come up with logic which seem to be difficult to do wrong...be firm in such situation, don't be shaky about confidence...first be well informed make sure you have all the evidence with you before you address the problem with the child, for egs about your child marrying a non Muslim,make sure you explain with it's consequences,evidence from quran and sunnah.don't try emotional blackmail it does not work!
Make loads of duaa,and if your child brings bigger evidence then do not get shaky,NO WAY!! let them not show more power on you,but sometimes if the child is right then we should not our let ego come in Between.for egs a boy wants to marry a righteous girl but from non memon family then you should not stop,.don't stop the child from doing something that Allah has not stopped.and don't let them do something that Allah has forbidden , then tell them that Allah has said this.
For egs Moosa ale salaam met firawn, then he said you are the same person who killed the man and ran away so did this shake Moosa ale salaams confidence,NO!! He just said yes I did but I did not do the wrong.
Children will talk to you in such a manner, for egs that you never wear hijaab then why are you forcing me now at this young age,so explain to them that you were ignorant about it but with knowledge you have changed so the child should not make the same mistakes as parents,,children will manipulate you, never make promises with your children when you are happy,befirm with your kids,
If a child has wronged,made a mistake then correct your child also.for egs billal sold more dates and got less dates ...
What is repentance, whatever has been spoilt correct it..
There and then correct the child ....for egs a person knocked at the door...
Repeatedly make them do the same work so they correct themselves..for egs the person who read namaz and prophet pbuh asked him to read again and again till he corrected himself!
For egs if a child has dropped something ask them to pik it up...
Be consistent & with repetition,make them repeat and if the punishment does not work then something else,Don't hasten with the child constant reminders are required they will learn have to be taught frequently,don't humiliate them so much that they lose confidence, always ask Allah s help,Check your child and analyze when you should reward or punish them...
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