Islamic parenting :Series 4 Farhat Hashmi
Venue : Pakistan Academy, oudh Medtha road
Lecture in Urdu:Dr Farhat Hashmi :21.01.12
The moment the child is born the mums use different sounds which the child understands it is somewhat similar to ring tones for egs if you want to silence them u say shhh but this might frighten the child or if they spill something you may say oh oh,or for egs if there is always tilawat sound ( recitation of Quran) in the house,then the child develops a connection with these sound,like a sister narrated her experience that when she was pregnant she used to hear Saad Al Ghamdi's Quranic recitation,so when the new born child would cry they would play saad al Ghamdi's recitation and the baby would become quiet.SubanAllah!
The actual nurturing of a child should be such that by mere looking at the mum's facial expression they understand mums likes and dislikes.So what is the purpose of good nurturing, it is not to make them our slaves,but to make them good believers good human beings who know what is right and what is wrong.alll efforts and tips, all sunnah we learnt is for what purpose,the target and goal, it is to give the best individual to the society, this is human resource which which will take a society to a higher level,when the mums know how to bring up good children with good character then the society comes up, the biggest and first responsibility is of the mother,the mum has to have good character ,good nature,behavior ,behind every great man the biggest contribution is of the mum,the child comes to father only after spending nine months with mother.
Today's talk....
1) Don't gather too many targets together this will lead to frustration:
For egs if you are trying to reinforce a good habit in the child ,by being a good example by constantly reminding and helping the child,when the child putting in effort then reward the child.
Always observe the child's incorrect habits which need to be corrected ,so be patient and take one step at a time, every age of child is different you will deal with him based on his understanding,for egs a little child you will be teaching them to hold spoon, in a different stage you will teach them how to share with others,,or serve food to other...so everything should be done gradually...teach habit one after the other ...step by step..
For egs if the child has learnt all the steps of reading salat then reward him,anything like dua,or any nice word of praises,not necessarily giving them certificates all the time.
Even in things related to islam reward them ( in Urdu: Deen ke maamlaatmein reward dijiye,as a muslim they will want to do things...
Live example that occurred during the lecture , to which Dr Farhat drew the attention of audience: a mum entered the auditorium walking fast as she was late for the lecture,her little child was crying and running behind her in order to catch up,Dr Farhat advised that a mum should always walk with the child next to her ( in Urdu saath saath chalein) not let the child trail behind .. she further explained that the little child is insecure in new place so be with her,it's a big auditorium, remember ur childhood and new place...how a child feels insecure that mother leaving her in a new strange place..we must understand the child's pschycology!
Do not set many targets,have a realistic approach,small steps and small rewards, like started Quran little reward,finished one para reward, create love for the Deen...ppl waste time in arguing B'day to celebrate or not to celebrate,Celebration of B'day is a means to treat the child,the main reason is to make the child feel special so why wait for that day what is the great credit of the child,so appreciate and treat your child any time in the year...
When you are treating your child for his achievement then also set the target for next level, show them to set a goal for another treat,for egs if child finished reading Quran ,kept party,then tell the child that next party when you finish reading with understanding of Quran..this way you introduce in the mind of your child to aim higher,be ambitious,set higher goals.
Once the child has achieved a goal ,reward them and set the new goal.this concept has been taken from Quran where Allah says that if you do the right thing then indeed I will reward u more...
Always teach children to expect only from Allah for egs if the child gets any gift teach him to be grateful to Allah,and remind them to ask only from Allah.teach children to have faith reliance and trust only from Allah.so such a child will not expect from ppl,he won't have greed from ppl,this will be such a wrong habit for egs if a child gets attached to few aunt uncle who generously give gifts,this is wrong teach children to attach to all relatives even if they are not so great.for egs some elderly grandparents do not love kids so mum feels sad, but this is wrong ,whatever love you get be happy and thank Allah for these blessings and do not expect from everyone.When someone appreciates and is grateful this is a good habit.
Sometimes children don't understand some concepts of elders,for egs having faith in the unseen.. emaan bil ghayb ...is in heart which can be felt but our kids are carried away with gadgets today.so always explain the child with examples ,any concept related to Deen ,dr Farhat narrated another personal incident when she had said to son about some particular work, in which there is not much of respect ( in urdu is,kaam mein izzat Nahin) then son said what is importance of izzat here...so we should think from children's level and explain a concept based on their understanding...
Why some kids don't say Salam to elders,why they don't understand how to treat human beings then look at the foundation,where have their nurturing, tarbiyatt gone wrong...do not bring up children as though u r bringing up cattle or gadgets like battery...no they have to be given live understanding with emotions...after industrial revolution ppl started treating everything like batteries,machine this is wrong ...we need to bring Allah's fear in them not your fear,fear of DOJ,best manners,best character,to be good to other human and loads of duas.after all your attempts and efforts make lot of duas,make istighfaaar,don't regret but ask forgiveness.
This will create love for the religion, love for Rasul for Allah this will create emaan in their hearts with Taqwaa and who will teach them to love you ,all of this will automatically increase love for u..
Rewards should not be only materials also give them duaas of aakhiratt,read the ayyaat of paradise make them imagine and create love for the jannah...do not hide the reality from children..for egs about death no need to hide these facts from them..be natural...if u hide then they may get a shock when some calamity strikes...make concept clear for egs dr farhat shared her story of her own grand daughter of two yrs..this was when they were in Canada and one of the al huda students an elderly lady who had come to the class...met other sisters..then went for prayers and in the salaat she passed away..so this was witnessed by Dr Farhat's grand daughter who enquired about death...the child's mum explained the details and the child at a young age has a clear concept of aakhirah,DOJ,jannah etc..when she does anything good and if her mum gives her dua the child is able to appreciate it...
We should give kids the space,time to learn any new thing..give them opportunity let them learn ,we always call kids small and don't let them learn...
For egs,from Hadith when prophet saws made a young man the leader,ppl did not like it nabi said let him be...
When we give work we should also try new talent..normally we give to experienced ppl..we should give them confidence...like Hazrat Ali said I don't know how to take decisions..then nabi made dua that Allah give him strength in heart and hand to take right decisions..
So always encourage do not dissuade them from trying the work...
Give duaas to your children always for egs when nabi pbuh gave duaa to the man who bought two goats with one dinar...dua will be very helpful for ur children...
The duaas always have advantage,we must give to our children,
Nabi pbuh gave duaas whenever anyone did the best deed, so it is the best form of reward to give duaa..
Don't just make children learn business but also tell them halal haraam also.for egs if a child has a love to become a lawyer ,so don't stop saying they are liars etc ,instead explain the limits..
If a child makes mistake then we punish them but we should teach them to ask for forgiveness.how many mums say that pls ask for taubaa from Allah,and ask them to give sadaqaa to expiate sins,we should also make duaa and ask them also to repent and not repeat,Allah ko Raazi karo,mums should learn to say that don't worry about me make sure you please your Allah,if emaan is fine then all will be fine, this is the root then everything will be fine..
Allah knows that we will err but we should ask for forgiveness if kid are made to understand this concept the child will not have guilty conscious,they will understand to repent and not repeat and learn Allah is ghafur Rahim.
Set limits for the child but let them enjoy also..don't curb them for everything,let them do what their heart wishes but also set limits.don't keep picking on the child all the time in Urdu ...har baaat par Nahin toknaa,har ghaltii pe Nahin rokna,)let them learn give them space...
For egs, child loves to play in the rain,,allow him to play for ten minutes..but we get annoyed and yell at them u will fall sick etc ?
For egs a child goes in the masjid and everyone gives them the glare when they make noise..this creates a fear in their hearts...they do not want to go to masjid..
Hadith says that we must Forgive seventy times in a day if servant makes a mistake...so what about our children...
If child repeats the mistake don't give too many instructions then they get confused...give less instruction based on their capacity to comprehend,,
Hadith when a person came into a mosque he read his salaat but in a hurry ,then prophet pbuh asked him to read namaz once again,he read and came, then prophet pbuh asked him to read again, so he corrected himself ,read slowly,calmly, then prophet asked him to read again then the person corrected his prayer...so from this Hadith we understand that sometimes a person should be allowed to make a mistake to correct himself and we should not start instructing him but make this person realize,identify his mistakes...
Don't instruct when the child is not ready for the instructions,the child may be angry stubborn etc..
Foe egs if a child makes mistake them mum starts laughing when then child gets angry...
It has been forbidden in Quran (in Urdu.. Quran mein manaa kiyaa gayaa hai, for women to laugh at women and men to laugh at men..so what to say about children...
Others mistake should not be a reason for us to laugh...the child will be shocked and will not respect you....please tell them the solution.resolve his problem,
During rhe sahabah times a someone sneezed during the prayer and then this person said ya rahmakullah ppl started staring and started to hit him on thigh so he realized that he was not supposed to say...when nabi pbuh finished prayer,then nabi did not say anything just said that during prayer not to talk only read Quran in prayers...
Another style of reward is to listen to them attentively and with interest ( in urdu dilchasbee lien)..sometimes when ppl want to say something we are either sleepy or are busy in other things,but we should pay attention to them.
Let the child learn from their experiences don't simply command and order them.
Sometimes certain talks of children are so useless and boring, nonsense talks that the mums would get restless but sometimes we should listen, though don't encourage them to say nonsence things.
Sometimes children would like to play catch games,for simple reasons this is to get ur attention,we must play with them..but if there is something wrong in them then make them realize it's not right...
Do not expect that the child will be perfect,it is ok to expect the child to make mistakes.
There is a way to inform the mistake it is not necessary to abuse the child this is not part of good nurturing..
If you have promised to reward the child then you must fulfill the promise...sometimes it's ok to give more than the promise of the reward,but also it is Important to tell them about next goal..
Do it for Allahs sake not seeking reward from anywhere..the self satisfaction is amazing..
In the beginning it may b difficult... the actual tarbiyatt is not to have greed only expect from Allah that is the real nurturing..there should never be greed don't expect from others don't become beggar,by the time you feel that I have not received then this is wrong,change your attitude,the continuos development has to be on...teach them to give as well..
The person who takes with greed then such a person will never have barakaah...while some ppl with less means and money are happy content..
Greed is a mezzaaj,this should not be there...
Always the higher hand is better than the lower hand ...
For the children after a tine when you have taught them not to take material goods then you must teach them to appreciate duaas..
Osaama bin Zaid says when nabi was falling sick then he was not talking anything but he looked up and made duaaas...Don't just give materialistic gifts but give duaas...
Venue : Pakistan Academy, oudh Medtha road
Lecture in Urdu:Dr Farhat Hashmi :21.01.12
The moment the child is born the mums use different sounds which the child understands it is somewhat similar to ring tones for egs if you want to silence them u say shhh but this might frighten the child or if they spill something you may say oh oh,or for egs if there is always tilawat sound ( recitation of Quran) in the house,then the child develops a connection with these sound,like a sister narrated her experience that when she was pregnant she used to hear Saad Al Ghamdi's Quranic recitation,so when the new born child would cry they would play saad al Ghamdi's recitation and the baby would become quiet.SubanAllah!
The actual nurturing of a child should be such that by mere looking at the mum's facial expression they understand mums likes and dislikes.So what is the purpose of good nurturing, it is not to make them our slaves,but to make them good believers good human beings who know what is right and what is wrong.alll efforts and tips, all sunnah we learnt is for what purpose,the target and goal, it is to give the best individual to the society, this is human resource which which will take a society to a higher level,when the mums know how to bring up good children with good character then the society comes up, the biggest and first responsibility is of the mother,the mum has to have good character ,good nature,behavior ,behind every great man the biggest contribution is of the mum,the child comes to father only after spending nine months with mother.
Today's talk....
1) Don't gather too many targets together this will lead to frustration:
For egs if you are trying to reinforce a good habit in the child ,by being a good example by constantly reminding and helping the child,when the child putting in effort then reward the child.
Always observe the child's incorrect habits which need to be corrected ,so be patient and take one step at a time, every age of child is different you will deal with him based on his understanding,for egs a little child you will be teaching them to hold spoon, in a different stage you will teach them how to share with others,,or serve food to other...so everything should be done gradually...teach habit one after the other ...step by step..
For egs if the child has learnt all the steps of reading salat then reward him,anything like dua,or any nice word of praises,not necessarily giving them certificates all the time.
Even in things related to islam reward them ( in Urdu: Deen ke maamlaatmein reward dijiye,as a muslim they will want to do things...
Live example that occurred during the lecture , to which Dr Farhat drew the attention of audience: a mum entered the auditorium walking fast as she was late for the lecture,her little child was crying and running behind her in order to catch up,Dr Farhat advised that a mum should always walk with the child next to her ( in Urdu saath saath chalein) not let the child trail behind .. she further explained that the little child is insecure in new place so be with her,it's a big auditorium, remember ur childhood and new place...how a child feels insecure that mother leaving her in a new strange place..we must understand the child's pschycology!
Do not set many targets,have a realistic approach,small steps and small rewards, like started Quran little reward,finished one para reward, create love for the Deen...ppl waste time in arguing B'day to celebrate or not to celebrate,Celebration of B'day is a means to treat the child,the main reason is to make the child feel special so why wait for that day what is the great credit of the child,so appreciate and treat your child any time in the year...
When you are treating your child for his achievement then also set the target for next level, show them to set a goal for another treat,for egs if child finished reading Quran ,kept party,then tell the child that next party when you finish reading with understanding of Quran..this way you introduce in the mind of your child to aim higher,be ambitious,set higher goals.
Once the child has achieved a goal ,reward them and set the new goal.this concept has been taken from Quran where Allah says that if you do the right thing then indeed I will reward u more...
Always teach children to expect only from Allah for egs if the child gets any gift teach him to be grateful to Allah,and remind them to ask only from Allah.teach children to have faith reliance and trust only from Allah.so such a child will not expect from ppl,he won't have greed from ppl,this will be such a wrong habit for egs if a child gets attached to few aunt uncle who generously give gifts,this is wrong teach children to attach to all relatives even if they are not so great.for egs some elderly grandparents do not love kids so mum feels sad, but this is wrong ,whatever love you get be happy and thank Allah for these blessings and do not expect from everyone.When someone appreciates and is grateful this is a good habit.
Sometimes children don't understand some concepts of elders,for egs having faith in the unseen.. emaan bil ghayb ...is in heart which can be felt but our kids are carried away with gadgets today.so always explain the child with examples ,any concept related to Deen ,dr Farhat narrated another personal incident when she had said to son about some particular work, in which there is not much of respect ( in urdu is,kaam mein izzat Nahin) then son said what is importance of izzat here...so we should think from children's level and explain a concept based on their understanding...
Why some kids don't say Salam to elders,why they don't understand how to treat human beings then look at the foundation,where have their nurturing, tarbiyatt gone wrong...do not bring up children as though u r bringing up cattle or gadgets like battery...no they have to be given live understanding with emotions...after industrial revolution ppl started treating everything like batteries,machine this is wrong ...we need to bring Allah's fear in them not your fear,fear of DOJ,best manners,best character,to be good to other human and loads of duas.after all your attempts and efforts make lot of duas,make istighfaaar,don't regret but ask forgiveness.
This will create love for the religion, love for Rasul for Allah this will create emaan in their hearts with Taqwaa and who will teach them to love you ,all of this will automatically increase love for u..
Rewards should not be only materials also give them duaas of aakhiratt,read the ayyaat of paradise make them imagine and create love for the jannah...do not hide the reality from children..for egs about death no need to hide these facts from them..be natural...if u hide then they may get a shock when some calamity strikes...make concept clear for egs dr farhat shared her story of her own grand daughter of two yrs..this was when they were in Canada and one of the al huda students an elderly lady who had come to the class...met other sisters..then went for prayers and in the salaat she passed away..so this was witnessed by Dr Farhat's grand daughter who enquired about death...the child's mum explained the details and the child at a young age has a clear concept of aakhirah,DOJ,jannah etc..when she does anything good and if her mum gives her dua the child is able to appreciate it...
We should give kids the space,time to learn any new thing..give them opportunity let them learn ,we always call kids small and don't let them learn...
For egs,from Hadith when prophet saws made a young man the leader,ppl did not like it nabi said let him be...
When we give work we should also try new talent..normally we give to experienced ppl..we should give them confidence...like Hazrat Ali said I don't know how to take decisions..then nabi made dua that Allah give him strength in heart and hand to take right decisions..
So always encourage do not dissuade them from trying the work...
Give duaas to your children always for egs when nabi pbuh gave duaa to the man who bought two goats with one dinar...dua will be very helpful for ur children...
The duaas always have advantage,we must give to our children,
Nabi pbuh gave duaas whenever anyone did the best deed, so it is the best form of reward to give duaa..
Don't just make children learn business but also tell them halal haraam also.for egs if a child has a love to become a lawyer ,so don't stop saying they are liars etc ,instead explain the limits..
If a child makes mistake then we punish them but we should teach them to ask for forgiveness.how many mums say that pls ask for taubaa from Allah,and ask them to give sadaqaa to expiate sins,we should also make duaa and ask them also to repent and not repeat,Allah ko Raazi karo,mums should learn to say that don't worry about me make sure you please your Allah,if emaan is fine then all will be fine, this is the root then everything will be fine..
Allah knows that we will err but we should ask for forgiveness if kid are made to understand this concept the child will not have guilty conscious,they will understand to repent and not repeat and learn Allah is ghafur Rahim.
Set limits for the child but let them enjoy also..don't curb them for everything,let them do what their heart wishes but also set limits.don't keep picking on the child all the time in Urdu ...har baaat par Nahin toknaa,har ghaltii pe Nahin rokna,)let them learn give them space...
For egs, child loves to play in the rain,,allow him to play for ten minutes..but we get annoyed and yell at them u will fall sick etc ?
For egs a child goes in the masjid and everyone gives them the glare when they make noise..this creates a fear in their hearts...they do not want to go to masjid..
Hadith says that we must Forgive seventy times in a day if servant makes a mistake...so what about our children...
If child repeats the mistake don't give too many instructions then they get confused...give less instruction based on their capacity to comprehend,,
Hadith when a person came into a mosque he read his salaat but in a hurry ,then prophet pbuh asked him to read namaz once again,he read and came, then prophet pbuh asked him to read again, so he corrected himself ,read slowly,calmly, then prophet asked him to read again then the person corrected his prayer...so from this Hadith we understand that sometimes a person should be allowed to make a mistake to correct himself and we should not start instructing him but make this person realize,identify his mistakes...
Don't instruct when the child is not ready for the instructions,the child may be angry stubborn etc..
Foe egs if a child makes mistake them mum starts laughing when then child gets angry...
It has been forbidden in Quran (in Urdu.. Quran mein manaa kiyaa gayaa hai, for women to laugh at women and men to laugh at men..so what to say about children...
Others mistake should not be a reason for us to laugh...the child will be shocked and will not respect you....please tell them the solution.resolve his problem,
During rhe sahabah times a someone sneezed during the prayer and then this person said ya rahmakullah ppl started staring and started to hit him on thigh so he realized that he was not supposed to say...when nabi pbuh finished prayer,then nabi did not say anything just said that during prayer not to talk only read Quran in prayers...
Another style of reward is to listen to them attentively and with interest ( in urdu dilchasbee lien)..sometimes when ppl want to say something we are either sleepy or are busy in other things,but we should pay attention to them.
Let the child learn from their experiences don't simply command and order them.
Sometimes certain talks of children are so useless and boring, nonsense talks that the mums would get restless but sometimes we should listen, though don't encourage them to say nonsence things.
Sometimes children would like to play catch games,for simple reasons this is to get ur attention,we must play with them..but if there is something wrong in them then make them realize it's not right...
Do not expect that the child will be perfect,it is ok to expect the child to make mistakes.
There is a way to inform the mistake it is not necessary to abuse the child this is not part of good nurturing..
If you have promised to reward the child then you must fulfill the promise...sometimes it's ok to give more than the promise of the reward,but also it is Important to tell them about next goal..
Do it for Allahs sake not seeking reward from anywhere..the self satisfaction is amazing..
In the beginning it may b difficult... the actual tarbiyatt is not to have greed only expect from Allah that is the real nurturing..there should never be greed don't expect from others don't become beggar,by the time you feel that I have not received then this is wrong,change your attitude,the continuos development has to be on...teach them to give as well..
The person who takes with greed then such a person will never have barakaah...while some ppl with less means and money are happy content..
Greed is a mezzaaj,this should not be there...
Always the higher hand is better than the lower hand ...
For the children after a tine when you have taught them not to take material goods then you must teach them to appreciate duaas..
Osaama bin Zaid says when nabi was falling sick then he was not talking anything but he looked up and made duaaas...Don't just give materialistic gifts but give duaas...
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