Islamic Parenting : Series 5: dr Farhat Hashmi ( hum aur humaare bacche)
Lecture in Urdu :27th January 2012
Venue: pak Academy,Oudh medtha
Recap: we learnt in the last class how to acknowledge and reward our children when they put in efforts to do their work.
Today we will talk about the core activities,how we will get the children to make their good habits stronger,the nurturing of a child does not get completed within a week or a month,it is a long term process which requires immense patience.there are various aspects to child's nurturing,for instance the people outside from school or friends might be influencing them in an opposite manner which may lead to clash in ideologies so the child may not be so receptive to you..
Apart from praises,rewards what is also important is constant reminders,whatever targets have been set we must also ensure that it is fulfilled...
At times some kids do not change,they may be studying and observing their parents new change in behavior is it just a new fascination which will disappear soon,is it another temporary phase of the parent. It also happens that a child finds his parents always contradicting themselves, so we should be careful about this.if earlier you won't observing their defects but now u r correcting them for egs take any behavior for example like you want the child to read prayers or fold their clothes,or wake up on time, or then are you doing it, r u being role models and then being constant about them...
So today's topic is to make sure that the targets are being completed,make sure your efforts are constant and not changing with your mood swings.
1))Please write down your targets and work towards it with a six month time frame.for example if your child needs to be disciplined about salaat, Namaaz,or doing home work, then do not expect the transformation overnight.you be consistent in your behavior,mustaqeel mizaaji should be there in you too.give any target at least six weeks time,work towards it,take at least four habits to correct if that is too much then take only two habits for correction....
2))Sometimes we contradict ourselves,the child is intelligent and points out such actions.for egs a child when one yr old we make all efforts to ensure they learn to walk,once they start walking then we force them to sit,similarly when they are learning to talk we keep repeating words to them ,teaching new words and once they learn talking and ask questions then we ask them to shut up,this is wrong.instead we should remember that it is nice we have taught the child something then we should observe and guide them give them direction always encourage them do not curb them or supress what we have taught them else they will become coward...
3))Do not nag,pester the child ( in urdu rok tok na Karen) we as mums should correct ourselves,change our behavior,don't keep nagging them just sit once ,explain and correct them.for egs if a child has promised to play for fifteen minutes then come back home to do home work,but instead he returns after half hour then what should u do...you should tell him why breaking of promise is so wrong,so that next time he does not repeat..
False threatens done by mums is a wrong way of nurturing the child does not correct any mistake..we should learn to adress the mistake from it's root instead of supressing the problem...on the other hand If the child returns back in fifteen minutes as promised then you will say very good child u fulfilled your promise and returned on time.
4))Some kids have different tantrums,either by getting annoyed or locking himself in the room or simply lying on the bed with face down..,then as a mum you should leave him for that time and once he cools down then explain and tell him that why did you do it ,by refusing to eat, when you have to eat the food anyway...
Similarly when the next time the child controls his anger then appreciate his action and praise that you have been successful in doing good.
So praise the child appreciate with good gestures and now we will learn to also remind and praise with constant reminder.
Remember that children understand the language of figures,less instructions don't flood them for example ask the child to return home at 915 am .
5))Children need to obey parents:
These days most of the parents complain that kids do not obey and the solution we look for is by screaming, threatening or smacking them.this is wrong don't make them used to these things as once they grow up they will not obey.
So we must create a feeling inside them that they realize, that parents are to be loved respected and obeyed,they know that there duas are very special.they should automatically respect and obey parents,we must reform ourselves as parents.
6))We should set the plan of the next day for the child the previous night ESP if working mum then set your expectations,also inform them what ur plans of doing the next day.this is a great way to increase bonds bet family members.then the next evening spend a happy bonding time sharing each others experience and the various updates thru the day.
7))Identify the problem: no habit can be corrected until the issue is not identified,for example think of any habit,so a mum always expected that as soon as the child hears the azaan he should go to the mosque but does not go...
Make the issue or a problem behavior ( in Urdu massallaa ) into your expectation ( in Urdu umeed), for egs whatever your expectation is explain to the child in a nice family time that I really wish that my child should go for salaat,here you are giving a responsibility to a child.you are not using statements such as you did not go to mosque ,why are u not ready yet instead explain what is the benefit of going to masjid,what are the benefits. Dr Hashmi shared her personal experience wherein she explains the benefits of reading prayer in mosque,she uses hand gestures to show how the level increases 27 times when u pray in mosque..
8)) when you compel the child or pressurise them then they get stubborn do not make them stubborn...
Sometimes whatever you say the child does the reverse action, so mum can say that the azaan has happened so you can read it at home ,then he will be shocked, (in Urdu unki zameer ko jagaiye...)
Let them think,explain to them softly and let them ponder, do not force your ideas on them,if mums say that I will not let you do then the child will think in his mind that I will do it.
Never force the child to do something against his wishes,make your issue as an expectation...for egs dr Farhat s son said that when ever u r home with us u r best mother ever but when guests arrive u r at your worst...so dr farhat analyzed this statement and realized that as parents when we have guests arriving at place we expect the child to be at their best behavior and expect a lot from them and when they don't do as expected the mum gets tougher..Always encourage the child to point out your mistakes as well...
9))Give extra attention to children also not just meet the elders by ignoring the kids then they will become cold towards elders..
10))Make it very clear what you expect from the child then explain this to the child,and when you say this ur child then don't make it one statement but explain in a different manner which affects him n sinks into his system...
Then ensure that he does it..,also when the child has to do homework then say "let's" do the homework'instead of ' you" do the H.W, this reduces the child's burden feels little relaxed,that he has help..
Smaller kids will obey that 915 we return home but an older child will not spell it ,will not like to be dictated,,as it is against their ego they will get defensive,,,,so we have to use different startegies with different kids of diff age group..
Dr Farhat shared her experience As a mum And how she encourages her son inndiff ways to read in mosque.."i m facilitating the child to read in masjid at times by sending text messages from time to time reminding him about twenty seven times by making him visualize the levels,using her hand movements 27 times,by reminding that hypocrites dint go to mosque ,sometimes I say that the day you start going for fajr I will know you have completed ur faith...so keep reminding as knowledge and habit takes time to sink in...till date I have not shown complete anger as now is the foundation,never give up,never get tired keep doing,also tell them the bad effects, just like it takes time for soft sapling of a plant to become strong similarly good habits need to be protected and nurtured...don't expect to sow a good habit in the form of seed today and it will show result tomorrow ,that it will bear fruit the next day...
Make sure that the habit is growing stronger as the time flies don't just say and give up for egs a gardener does not sleep after sowing seeds but keeps a watch everyday,caring with compassion..
11)Never give up,as parents never despair always be hopeful they will come on straight path..Allah has given the fitraa to turn to Him so it will come as parents you have to keep on trying and inshaaAllah they will come on track...( in Urdu Parents him mat Haar man jaatein hai jaldi) parents give up easily, quickly ,but to nurture kids is a job to be done with patience,slowly using different strategies,by reminding ,encouraging never despair,constant reminders.
After break we will learn how our prophet applied and prepared the best of generations of Sahabah...
12)Loads of patience needed:
we need to have patience in bulk,Omar RA said that instead of leaving their children out of despair it is best to be patient ,never despair during ur nurturing,as you will be rewarded immensely for your efforts in good deeds...
If a child has not changed despite all your attempts you will continue as a believer, mu'min does not do good deeds only out of expectation from anyone... Nurturing of our children should be tried rill the last breath..( in urdu tarbiyate aulaad hamaraa Farz hai )have to do it till the end as it is our duty...
13)If we constantly nag the kids they will not listen, Anas RA was a ten year old child when his parents had brought him to nabi and he spent nine years with prophet ,but there was not a single instance when the prophet would have ever questioned him as to why he did this or why he did not do this....
14)Why do we behave the way we do in front of others about our children...
This is as we try to prove to others that inspite of my counselling advising the child has not improved,this is wrong we need to have patience...
At times the kids need to be left alone, they are growing up,discovering new things,they have their own chain of thoughts, watch them set limits but also let them be free...set the time ,place,once you have given some money then don't take the complete hisaab leave them don't keep nagging as though you don't trust them...
15)All kids are different, nature habit is different then that's is fine as long as they know their jobs and duties..assign the task and leave them to do...monitor them but don't dance on their headsDon't be after their lives ,don't spy on them or pry on their cupboards, then the kids will not trust you,,if you come to know that your child is into a wrong habit then don't talk about it go to the root to remove this habit with wisdom..keep a watch...for egs child lies ,do not confront ,tell them at a separate time,explain to them who are hypocrites what happens to them in the lowest hellfire.explain what it means about the lowest level...then he will understand what happens to liars..just by saying that liars go to hell is not enough, you should ensure how u are teaching your child...Not by exposing and hurting them but in a very subtle manner...
16))Surround them with words of wisdom,giving logical explanations, evidence from Quran n sunnah and protect them don't just drag them to some job.talk to them so convincingly that they are bound to do the job.
If the subject is not of their interest then don't force them,don't put them in trouble or burden them .remember how our prophet pbuh talked about the benefits of doing miswak,he said that "Were it not that I over-burden the believers, I should have ordered them to use Miswak at every time of prayer.recorded in Muslim.and in several other Hadith he has spoken about the enormous benefits of using miswak...
So what can we learn from hadith:
Explain the person in such a manner that he understands the benefits then facilitate..
Also don't burden them with many instructions of their bad habits list, this is of no use this is a way to waste energy,one step at a time, SOLVE ONE ISSUE ONE AT A TIME.
Dont count out on their list of wrong doings, slowly deal with one issue at a time..it becomes easy to resolve...
Prophet advised the governor maadhaa ibn jabal...slowly give them instructions,one thing after the other,this is the way to treat new Muslims, give them time,be patient and be constant efforts don't get disheartened, give time,think how you have reformed so be slow...
Hadith: Bedouin who asked what are the essential duties a muslim must perform and when nabi explained it to him the bedouin said I will do only this much so prophet said look there goes a man from jannah.
So limit the things you expect don't burden them , make it do- able if they are doing any work...four things to be done n four things not to be done..
Hadith :Prophet taught four things to be done and four not to do.. step by step,,how with..
Tardeeb
Tardeej
Ahistaa
For egs when alcohol was banned,it was done gradually, slowly .
If you are working on a habit then go gradually don't let go ,keep making the habit firm slowly...
Sister shared how to make charts and make ticks and crosses of prayers read,or giving stars..
Prophet said that Allah loves the deeds which are small but make it consistent...for egs If you learning a good habit don't give up make it constant...don't start too many things else you will give up ,it might overwhelm you and out of fear u will give up all...
Don't start something with great energy(Josh) and excitement then all of it fizzles out too quickly, don't give up easily...
Do that work which you can maintain...
Prophet Said Allah does not get tired of giving you rewards but you will be tired of doing the good deeds.
Some mums say that shall we always remind them of prayers, this is called yaad dyaani everyone needs reminders until it becomes ones habit..some mums keep reminding about things related to dunya but compromise on Deen religion ,this is wrong.
Lecture in Urdu :27th January 2012
Venue: pak Academy,Oudh medtha
Recap: we learnt in the last class how to acknowledge and reward our children when they put in efforts to do their work.
Today we will talk about the core activities,how we will get the children to make their good habits stronger,the nurturing of a child does not get completed within a week or a month,it is a long term process which requires immense patience.there are various aspects to child's nurturing,for instance the people outside from school or friends might be influencing them in an opposite manner which may lead to clash in ideologies so the child may not be so receptive to you..
Apart from praises,rewards what is also important is constant reminders,whatever targets have been set we must also ensure that it is fulfilled...
At times some kids do not change,they may be studying and observing their parents new change in behavior is it just a new fascination which will disappear soon,is it another temporary phase of the parent. It also happens that a child finds his parents always contradicting themselves, so we should be careful about this.if earlier you won't observing their defects but now u r correcting them for egs take any behavior for example like you want the child to read prayers or fold their clothes,or wake up on time, or then are you doing it, r u being role models and then being constant about them...
So today's topic is to make sure that the targets are being completed,make sure your efforts are constant and not changing with your mood swings.
1))Please write down your targets and work towards it with a six month time frame.for example if your child needs to be disciplined about salaat, Namaaz,or doing home work, then do not expect the transformation overnight.you be consistent in your behavior,mustaqeel mizaaji should be there in you too.give any target at least six weeks time,work towards it,take at least four habits to correct if that is too much then take only two habits for correction....
2))Sometimes we contradict ourselves,the child is intelligent and points out such actions.for egs a child when one yr old we make all efforts to ensure they learn to walk,once they start walking then we force them to sit,similarly when they are learning to talk we keep repeating words to them ,teaching new words and once they learn talking and ask questions then we ask them to shut up,this is wrong.instead we should remember that it is nice we have taught the child something then we should observe and guide them give them direction always encourage them do not curb them or supress what we have taught them else they will become coward...
3))Do not nag,pester the child ( in urdu rok tok na Karen) we as mums should correct ourselves,change our behavior,don't keep nagging them just sit once ,explain and correct them.for egs if a child has promised to play for fifteen minutes then come back home to do home work,but instead he returns after half hour then what should u do...you should tell him why breaking of promise is so wrong,so that next time he does not repeat..
False threatens done by mums is a wrong way of nurturing the child does not correct any mistake..we should learn to adress the mistake from it's root instead of supressing the problem...on the other hand If the child returns back in fifteen minutes as promised then you will say very good child u fulfilled your promise and returned on time.
4))Some kids have different tantrums,either by getting annoyed or locking himself in the room or simply lying on the bed with face down..,then as a mum you should leave him for that time and once he cools down then explain and tell him that why did you do it ,by refusing to eat, when you have to eat the food anyway...
Similarly when the next time the child controls his anger then appreciate his action and praise that you have been successful in doing good.
So praise the child appreciate with good gestures and now we will learn to also remind and praise with constant reminder.
Remember that children understand the language of figures,less instructions don't flood them for example ask the child to return home at 915 am .
5))Children need to obey parents:
These days most of the parents complain that kids do not obey and the solution we look for is by screaming, threatening or smacking them.this is wrong don't make them used to these things as once they grow up they will not obey.
So we must create a feeling inside them that they realize, that parents are to be loved respected and obeyed,they know that there duas are very special.they should automatically respect and obey parents,we must reform ourselves as parents.
6))We should set the plan of the next day for the child the previous night ESP if working mum then set your expectations,also inform them what ur plans of doing the next day.this is a great way to increase bonds bet family members.then the next evening spend a happy bonding time sharing each others experience and the various updates thru the day.
7))Identify the problem: no habit can be corrected until the issue is not identified,for example think of any habit,so a mum always expected that as soon as the child hears the azaan he should go to the mosque but does not go...
Make the issue or a problem behavior ( in Urdu massallaa ) into your expectation ( in Urdu umeed), for egs whatever your expectation is explain to the child in a nice family time that I really wish that my child should go for salaat,here you are giving a responsibility to a child.you are not using statements such as you did not go to mosque ,why are u not ready yet instead explain what is the benefit of going to masjid,what are the benefits. Dr Hashmi shared her personal experience wherein she explains the benefits of reading prayer in mosque,she uses hand gestures to show how the level increases 27 times when u pray in mosque..
8)) when you compel the child or pressurise them then they get stubborn do not make them stubborn...
Sometimes whatever you say the child does the reverse action, so mum can say that the azaan has happened so you can read it at home ,then he will be shocked, (in Urdu unki zameer ko jagaiye...)
Let them think,explain to them softly and let them ponder, do not force your ideas on them,if mums say that I will not let you do then the child will think in his mind that I will do it.
Never force the child to do something against his wishes,make your issue as an expectation...for egs dr Farhat s son said that when ever u r home with us u r best mother ever but when guests arrive u r at your worst...so dr farhat analyzed this statement and realized that as parents when we have guests arriving at place we expect the child to be at their best behavior and expect a lot from them and when they don't do as expected the mum gets tougher..Always encourage the child to point out your mistakes as well...
9))Give extra attention to children also not just meet the elders by ignoring the kids then they will become cold towards elders..
10))Make it very clear what you expect from the child then explain this to the child,and when you say this ur child then don't make it one statement but explain in a different manner which affects him n sinks into his system...
Then ensure that he does it..,also when the child has to do homework then say "let's" do the homework'instead of ' you" do the H.W, this reduces the child's burden feels little relaxed,that he has help..
Smaller kids will obey that 915 we return home but an older child will not spell it ,will not like to be dictated,,as it is against their ego they will get defensive,,,,so we have to use different startegies with different kids of diff age group..
Dr Farhat shared her experience As a mum And how she encourages her son inndiff ways to read in mosque.."i m facilitating the child to read in masjid at times by sending text messages from time to time reminding him about twenty seven times by making him visualize the levels,using her hand movements 27 times,by reminding that hypocrites dint go to mosque ,sometimes I say that the day you start going for fajr I will know you have completed ur faith...so keep reminding as knowledge and habit takes time to sink in...till date I have not shown complete anger as now is the foundation,never give up,never get tired keep doing,also tell them the bad effects, just like it takes time for soft sapling of a plant to become strong similarly good habits need to be protected and nurtured...don't expect to sow a good habit in the form of seed today and it will show result tomorrow ,that it will bear fruit the next day...
Make sure that the habit is growing stronger as the time flies don't just say and give up for egs a gardener does not sleep after sowing seeds but keeps a watch everyday,caring with compassion..
11)Never give up,as parents never despair always be hopeful they will come on straight path..Allah has given the fitraa to turn to Him so it will come as parents you have to keep on trying and inshaaAllah they will come on track...( in Urdu Parents him mat Haar man jaatein hai jaldi) parents give up easily, quickly ,but to nurture kids is a job to be done with patience,slowly using different strategies,by reminding ,encouraging never despair,constant reminders.
After break we will learn how our prophet applied and prepared the best of generations of Sahabah...
12)Loads of patience needed:
we need to have patience in bulk,Omar RA said that instead of leaving their children out of despair it is best to be patient ,never despair during ur nurturing,as you will be rewarded immensely for your efforts in good deeds...
If a child has not changed despite all your attempts you will continue as a believer, mu'min does not do good deeds only out of expectation from anyone... Nurturing of our children should be tried rill the last breath..( in urdu tarbiyate aulaad hamaraa Farz hai )have to do it till the end as it is our duty...
13)If we constantly nag the kids they will not listen, Anas RA was a ten year old child when his parents had brought him to nabi and he spent nine years with prophet ,but there was not a single instance when the prophet would have ever questioned him as to why he did this or why he did not do this....
14)Why do we behave the way we do in front of others about our children...
This is as we try to prove to others that inspite of my counselling advising the child has not improved,this is wrong we need to have patience...
At times the kids need to be left alone, they are growing up,discovering new things,they have their own chain of thoughts, watch them set limits but also let them be free...set the time ,place,once you have given some money then don't take the complete hisaab leave them don't keep nagging as though you don't trust them...
15)All kids are different, nature habit is different then that's is fine as long as they know their jobs and duties..assign the task and leave them to do...monitor them but don't dance on their headsDon't be after their lives ,don't spy on them or pry on their cupboards, then the kids will not trust you,,if you come to know that your child is into a wrong habit then don't talk about it go to the root to remove this habit with wisdom..keep a watch...for egs child lies ,do not confront ,tell them at a separate time,explain to them who are hypocrites what happens to them in the lowest hellfire.explain what it means about the lowest level...then he will understand what happens to liars..just by saying that liars go to hell is not enough, you should ensure how u are teaching your child...Not by exposing and hurting them but in a very subtle manner...
16))Surround them with words of wisdom,giving logical explanations, evidence from Quran n sunnah and protect them don't just drag them to some job.talk to them so convincingly that they are bound to do the job.
If the subject is not of their interest then don't force them,don't put them in trouble or burden them .remember how our prophet pbuh talked about the benefits of doing miswak,he said that "Were it not that I over-burden the believers, I should have ordered them to use Miswak at every time of prayer.recorded in Muslim.and in several other Hadith he has spoken about the enormous benefits of using miswak...
So what can we learn from hadith:
Explain the person in such a manner that he understands the benefits then facilitate..
Also don't burden them with many instructions of their bad habits list, this is of no use this is a way to waste energy,one step at a time, SOLVE ONE ISSUE ONE AT A TIME.
Dont count out on their list of wrong doings, slowly deal with one issue at a time..it becomes easy to resolve...
Prophet advised the governor maadhaa ibn jabal...slowly give them instructions,one thing after the other,this is the way to treat new Muslims, give them time,be patient and be constant efforts don't get disheartened, give time,think how you have reformed so be slow...
Hadith: Bedouin who asked what are the essential duties a muslim must perform and when nabi explained it to him the bedouin said I will do only this much so prophet said look there goes a man from jannah.
So limit the things you expect don't burden them , make it do- able if they are doing any work...four things to be done n four things not to be done..
Hadith :Prophet taught four things to be done and four not to do.. step by step,,how with..
Tardeeb
Tardeej
Ahistaa
For egs when alcohol was banned,it was done gradually, slowly .
If you are working on a habit then go gradually don't let go ,keep making the habit firm slowly...
Sister shared how to make charts and make ticks and crosses of prayers read,or giving stars..
Prophet said that Allah loves the deeds which are small but make it consistent...for egs If you learning a good habit don't give up make it constant...don't start too many things else you will give up ,it might overwhelm you and out of fear u will give up all...
Don't start something with great energy(Josh) and excitement then all of it fizzles out too quickly, don't give up easily...
Do that work which you can maintain...
Prophet Said Allah does not get tired of giving you rewards but you will be tired of doing the good deeds.
Some mums say that shall we always remind them of prayers, this is called yaad dyaani everyone needs reminders until it becomes ones habit..some mums keep reminding about things related to dunya but compromise on Deen religion ,this is wrong.
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