Series 2 Farhat Hashmi
Continuation.....
Lecture in Urdu : Hum aur humare bache (Islamic parenting by Dr. Farhat Hashmi )
Venue : Pakistan Academy ,oudh medtha.Dubai.
date:14th Jan 2012
16th point continuation:
Set limits for children and make them aware,incase they forget then remind them.
for egs from a hadith it is narrated that once a heap of dates of charity were piled & our prophets's grandsons Hassan & Hussain were playing,while playing one of them put a date in his mouth so prophet (saws) took it out from the mouth and informed that sadaqaa is haraam for the family of nabi.
So shariaa law was taught At early age so it our duty to explain.teach them what is halaal or haraam,give importance to their questions and give them the correct answers.
Never give them incorrect answers as it is wrong to lie,also the child will lose his confidence in you if he realises that u gave false info.
details of the above Hadith:
[[The Prophet (peace be upon him) made clear that no charity may be given to him or his family, no matter how poor they were. They are not allowed even to let their young children take any of it, even if it is a very small amount. Abu Hurayrah reports: “The Prophet used to be sent quantities of dates at the time when dates were collected from trees. People brought him some portions of their dates. It thus became a large heap. Al-Hasan and Al-Husain (the Prophet’s grandchildren) were once playing with these dates. One of them took a date and started to chew it. The Prophet looked at him and then took it out of his mouth. He said: ‘Do you not know that Muhammad’s family do not eat charity.’” (Related by Al-Bukhari).]]
other practical examples provided by Dr.Farhat:
When girls start growing tell them the limits of talking to men,do not ridicule your kids in front of others.do not crush their self esteem,never call them sharaarati or shaytan (meaning mischievous or naughty like a devil) don't use negative words.use the alternate positive words.Also remember when you abuse anyone or use inappropriate language,it is recorded in your book of deeds so refrain from such sin.
Another assignment last week was to check on urself the entire week of what you talk/say to them as this will reflect of what exactly u say.
17) Always make rules and stay firm on them and do not break the rules due to child's stubbornness (zidd in Urdu)
For egs if you have a rule in the house that a shirt should not cost more than hundred dirhams then never let them break this rule.
Explain the levels in sharia,there is always a discipline to be followed,
haraam: is completely forbidden as per Islamic shariaa.
Farz: obligatory rulings if not done then a person has sinned.( for egs missing your fard prayers)
Makroohh : is disliked it's not haram or halal,any act termed makrooh is disliked.
Mubaah : is neutral ,if any act done it will not earn u reward or punishment.
Mustahib is preferred,liked ( in Urdu pasandida). Such an act of worship is preferred.
18)Never let them rule you, set rules and make your expectations loud and clear.Always set limits and explain with logical explanation.
19)Do not create distance between your hearts,parents should always be close with heart even if far physically.if the child is far from you from heart then they will never obey you or understand you.
20)always have consistent approach in your parenting.
Always be consistent in your behavior,be just in your dealings,be fair in your dealings.for egs ur child in university requires a laptop so you give but your younger child also demands, but here u will not give as this child does not need,u will explain that when u grow up u will get it,always be fair to the child.do not favor one child over the other.explain logically.
21)Never make the child feel unwanted as some silly mothers make such comments,this is wrong.( for egs they make irresponsible comments that this child was not planned,or they say it was a mistake )this remains in the heart of the child and the Moment they get married they will be cut off from their mum.
22)Be fair in giving gifts for egs you will give the same amount of edeee ( money given to kids on Eid Day))no difference based on their ages.
Prophet saws said fear Allah and be just with your kids,just like you expect your kids to be well mannered.for egs once prophet saws was asked for water by Hassan but Hussain wanted it first,so prophet gave it to the one who asked for it first.adal ( to be just) is very important,as he asked first.
Enforce the limits you have set and keep reminding them.Anas was reminded by his mum not to disclose prophets secret as evident from a Hadith.
Freedom of expression
1)Do not be too strict with kids, sometimes give them freedom also , if you think the child will be safe at your friends house for a sleep over or slumber then let them stay.but remind child to wake upfor fajar and ask your friends to wake them and if they over sleep then explain the bad effects.
Once Hazrat Aaisha was listening to ppl playing duff, so nabi said let her.so this proves that it is allowed sometimes not always, give freedom for little time not always keep enforcing your laws.
Do not make it a habit for your child to keep spending overnight in friends house,parents should ensure that if the house is safe or not,never make statements such as I don't trust anyone in the world then the child will lose confidence on others, child will also lose their self confidence .always instill confidence and once in a while allow them to stay.
2)We need to have interaction with kids,don't question them like a police enquiry ,do it in a subtle manner.some kids do not know how to expresss it, then u need to teach them .they should have the ability to express w'out fear with confidence.always give them compassion,if your child got new license and had an accident then do not ridicule them then the childs confidence gets shaken up ,every driver is capable of making mistakes, explain so that they correct themselves,don't keep ridiculing over their errors.
3)Give your children little independence,with limits and with faith in them.for egs your child wants to step out to follow her studies,or go for shopping, keep them close to your heart always give them love , confidence and then when the stage comes when they are intellectually stable then let them be independent.allow them to enjoy their independence.
Give them a little privacy, independence and let them enjoy.
Age untill 7 give them lots Of love then next 7 years discipline the child and the next 7 years be their friend...
4)You should give them responsiblity for egs the child wants to do business but needs investment, initial help then u should clearly set your expectations,target time set .tell them then he needs to return the investment.g
5)Allow them to make mistakes,certain lessons are achieved only when they err.let them accept that they have learnt from their mistakes.we have also erred and made mistakes.
6)Life is not full of roses there are some thorns, if your daughter is married and complains about challenges and discipline facing in sasuraal then encourage them to accept.
8)A seven yr old child was made imam as he was very responsible and intelligent.
Moral if you find that a child is better capable to do the work then let him do instill confidence ,giving responsiblity.
9)Avoid criticizing,taunting even while praising.
10)Give them the right to decide: give them options and let them choose .for egs Dr. Farhat shared her own experience of how she delt with her young daughters who were getting addicted to watching tv serials,either dr Farhat would take them shopping at the same hour that the serial was due for telecast,or she would make other plans coinciding with that time,or she would sit with them and keep commenting and bringing to their attention what a waste of time and waste of their intellectual capabilities it is.Slowly they realized and gave up watching it.therefore once the air is out of the balloon the fantasy disappears,the kids too see the true picture.So pin the Balloon very tactfully & fantasy disappears.
11)Sometimes you will see that the child is not committing such a huge mistake or crime but some parents ( maybe amongst your relatives or your friends) become highly sensitive and overly strict .when u witness this behavior of parents,then out of goodness and genuine care, u should step in and hug the child and also consel the parent separately.
For egs :Hadith no: 793Narrated / Authority Of: Ibn Umar
That he (son of Umar-Abdullah) was in the company of the Prophet (SAW) on a journey, riding a troublesome camel belonging to 'Umar. The camel used to go ahead of the Prophet (SAW), so Ibn Umar's father would say, "O Abdullah! No one should go ahead of the Prophet (SAW)." The Prophet (SAW) said to him, "Sell it to me." Umar said to the Prophet (SAW) "It is for you." So, he bought it and said, "O Abdullah! It is for you, and you can do with it what you like."
Moral : always care even for others children and be the ambassador to spread goodness.
12)The other condition is about praise and attention,how to do it skillfully.
a) the problem is that many parents don't know the skill of praising and how to pay attention to their children.so now wherever you have written the good qualities of your child then you will praise the child based on that,as most of the time we waste our energy in pointing out their mistake.this can be done only by an observant mother, we need to pull out the diamond from the child.write down the qualities of child and speak and praise about it.
b)We need to change our attitude and our way of dealing .yes we must correct them but in a proper informed manner.
For egs if a child speaking very softly and not clearly then ask them to speak again. As you did not understand ,instead of criticizing their way of speech you be nice and ask them.remove terms like buddhu,foolish instead say that u r smart.U understand well.
Similarly say maashaAllah my child has learnt such great manners or say that I liked the way you explained to ur daadi.( grand mum)
For ex a child spilled water then how do we react and do not realize that we have scared him and shaken up his confidence..Also if a child is playing nicely then praise..
c)Do not falsely praise and do not do it to please be genuine,don't kill child's creativity.
We cannot change the child's habit by criticizing, focus on the habit that you want to develop, encourage child.
d)Use good words for the child everyday and you will see the niceness in child if you see the goodness in them,do not pretend but sound natural.this will also help in your behavioral change,u will see positivity in you. You will encourage them in doing good and also correct them when they are wrong.
for ex you have cleaned the room very quickly and fast,do not be miser in your praises make statements and detailed praise showing that you observe your child.Instead we see mothers asking theirchildren in a taunting manner! This is wrong!
They will listen to you attentively to hear what is my mum saying about Me.for ex if they fetch you glass of water then instead of saying just thank you ,you must say oh u got it in my fav glass.
For ex if your child steps put of the house or room leaving the door open behind him..then don't scream at him asking him to close or leave it open..explain to them,teach them the etiquettes...for egs a teacher advised her students that if you enter a room,then leave it open if u found it open or close it if it was closed earlier ...so always take a balanced approach.
e)Then acknowledge their right doing.
If you don't like something that the child did,then do not express at that time, at a different situation, dining table ,explain to them that it is not right.
f)Don't force your choice on them ,sometimes appreciate their choice.
G)Never compare them to other kids.
Always mention the little accomplishments of ur child.
Every child is different don't expect the same from each child.
If child is misbehaving then do not praise to get them to do work, correct them.
Even if the child is struggling and working hard to achieve then praise the child and encourage.don't praise only when they have achieved,Also appreciate their efforts and hard work.
h)Also write and express to ur child about their achievements in a form of card ,they will treasure it forever.for egs a sister shared that she writes small notes in her child's lunch box.with beautiful words.sometimes with dua..
I)Never praise and criticize at the same time.them everything is lost.for example thanks for helping me in my kitchen work but u did not finish ur homework.
J)We should learn how to feed the child,there is a way to emphasize, sometimes their" no"means" yes", Sometimes the child is confused and not sure what he really wants to eat so we need to help the child ,sometimes he says no verbally but when you keep the food in front they will eat.
K)We should say thank u to our kids first,say jazakallhkhair.prophet saws said.
L)Sometimes we are too tired to hear the child's tales.for ex after ghazwaa tabuk, prophet saws returned and was tired yet he enquired about Hazrat Aaisha's activities , her toys.So Don't lose out the time when the child needs your attention ur interest in his activities, you need to be little patient and hear your child out as he is excited to tell you but if you snub an tell him to tell you later,he will not come back to you, the moment is lost! Remember how Prophet saws gave importance to his grand kids even during his most important khutbah,give interest to the child give him the attention.
Continuation.....
Lecture in Urdu : Hum aur humare bache (Islamic parenting by Dr. Farhat Hashmi )
Venue : Pakistan Academy ,oudh medtha.Dubai.
date:14th Jan 2012
16th point continuation:
Set limits for children and make them aware,incase they forget then remind them.
for egs from a hadith it is narrated that once a heap of dates of charity were piled & our prophets's grandsons Hassan & Hussain were playing,while playing one of them put a date in his mouth so prophet (saws) took it out from the mouth and informed that sadaqaa is haraam for the family of nabi.
So shariaa law was taught At early age so it our duty to explain.teach them what is halaal or haraam,give importance to their questions and give them the correct answers.
Never give them incorrect answers as it is wrong to lie,also the child will lose his confidence in you if he realises that u gave false info.
details of the above Hadith:
[[The Prophet (peace be upon him) made clear that no charity may be given to him or his family, no matter how poor they were. They are not allowed even to let their young children take any of it, even if it is a very small amount. Abu Hurayrah reports: “The Prophet used to be sent quantities of dates at the time when dates were collected from trees. People brought him some portions of their dates. It thus became a large heap. Al-Hasan and Al-Husain (the Prophet’s grandchildren) were once playing with these dates. One of them took a date and started to chew it. The Prophet looked at him and then took it out of his mouth. He said: ‘Do you not know that Muhammad’s family do not eat charity.’” (Related by Al-Bukhari).]]
other practical examples provided by Dr.Farhat:
When girls start growing tell them the limits of talking to men,do not ridicule your kids in front of others.do not crush their self esteem,never call them sharaarati or shaytan (meaning mischievous or naughty like a devil) don't use negative words.use the alternate positive words.Also remember when you abuse anyone or use inappropriate language,it is recorded in your book of deeds so refrain from such sin.
Another assignment last week was to check on urself the entire week of what you talk/say to them as this will reflect of what exactly u say.
17) Always make rules and stay firm on them and do not break the rules due to child's stubbornness (zidd in Urdu)
For egs if you have a rule in the house that a shirt should not cost more than hundred dirhams then never let them break this rule.
Explain the levels in sharia,there is always a discipline to be followed,
haraam: is completely forbidden as per Islamic shariaa.
Farz: obligatory rulings if not done then a person has sinned.( for egs missing your fard prayers)
Makroohh : is disliked it's not haram or halal,any act termed makrooh is disliked.
Mubaah : is neutral ,if any act done it will not earn u reward or punishment.
Mustahib is preferred,liked ( in Urdu pasandida). Such an act of worship is preferred.
18)Never let them rule you, set rules and make your expectations loud and clear.Always set limits and explain with logical explanation.
19)Do not create distance between your hearts,parents should always be close with heart even if far physically.if the child is far from you from heart then they will never obey you or understand you.
20)always have consistent approach in your parenting.
Always be consistent in your behavior,be just in your dealings,be fair in your dealings.for egs ur child in university requires a laptop so you give but your younger child also demands, but here u will not give as this child does not need,u will explain that when u grow up u will get it,always be fair to the child.do not favor one child over the other.explain logically.
21)Never make the child feel unwanted as some silly mothers make such comments,this is wrong.( for egs they make irresponsible comments that this child was not planned,or they say it was a mistake )this remains in the heart of the child and the Moment they get married they will be cut off from their mum.
22)Be fair in giving gifts for egs you will give the same amount of edeee ( money given to kids on Eid Day))no difference based on their ages.
Prophet saws said fear Allah and be just with your kids,just like you expect your kids to be well mannered.for egs once prophet saws was asked for water by Hassan but Hussain wanted it first,so prophet gave it to the one who asked for it first.adal ( to be just) is very important,as he asked first.
Enforce the limits you have set and keep reminding them.Anas was reminded by his mum not to disclose prophets secret as evident from a Hadith.
Freedom of expression
1)Do not be too strict with kids, sometimes give them freedom also , if you think the child will be safe at your friends house for a sleep over or slumber then let them stay.but remind child to wake upfor fajar and ask your friends to wake them and if they over sleep then explain the bad effects.
Once Hazrat Aaisha was listening to ppl playing duff, so nabi said let her.so this proves that it is allowed sometimes not always, give freedom for little time not always keep enforcing your laws.
Do not make it a habit for your child to keep spending overnight in friends house,parents should ensure that if the house is safe or not,never make statements such as I don't trust anyone in the world then the child will lose confidence on others, child will also lose their self confidence .always instill confidence and once in a while allow them to stay.
2)We need to have interaction with kids,don't question them like a police enquiry ,do it in a subtle manner.some kids do not know how to expresss it, then u need to teach them .they should have the ability to express w'out fear with confidence.always give them compassion,if your child got new license and had an accident then do not ridicule them then the childs confidence gets shaken up ,every driver is capable of making mistakes, explain so that they correct themselves,don't keep ridiculing over their errors.
3)Give your children little independence,with limits and with faith in them.for egs your child wants to step out to follow her studies,or go for shopping, keep them close to your heart always give them love , confidence and then when the stage comes when they are intellectually stable then let them be independent.allow them to enjoy their independence.
Give them a little privacy, independence and let them enjoy.
Age untill 7 give them lots Of love then next 7 years discipline the child and the next 7 years be their friend...
4)You should give them responsiblity for egs the child wants to do business but needs investment, initial help then u should clearly set your expectations,target time set .tell them then he needs to return the investment.g
5)Allow them to make mistakes,certain lessons are achieved only when they err.let them accept that they have learnt from their mistakes.we have also erred and made mistakes.
6)Life is not full of roses there are some thorns, if your daughter is married and complains about challenges and discipline facing in sasuraal then encourage them to accept.
8)A seven yr old child was made imam as he was very responsible and intelligent.
Moral if you find that a child is better capable to do the work then let him do instill confidence ,giving responsiblity.
9)Avoid criticizing,taunting even while praising.
10)Give them the right to decide: give them options and let them choose .for egs Dr. Farhat shared her own experience of how she delt with her young daughters who were getting addicted to watching tv serials,either dr Farhat would take them shopping at the same hour that the serial was due for telecast,or she would make other plans coinciding with that time,or she would sit with them and keep commenting and bringing to their attention what a waste of time and waste of their intellectual capabilities it is.Slowly they realized and gave up watching it.therefore once the air is out of the balloon the fantasy disappears,the kids too see the true picture.So pin the Balloon very tactfully & fantasy disappears.
11)Sometimes you will see that the child is not committing such a huge mistake or crime but some parents ( maybe amongst your relatives or your friends) become highly sensitive and overly strict .when u witness this behavior of parents,then out of goodness and genuine care, u should step in and hug the child and also consel the parent separately.
For egs :Hadith no: 793Narrated / Authority Of: Ibn Umar
That he (son of Umar-Abdullah) was in the company of the Prophet (SAW) on a journey, riding a troublesome camel belonging to 'Umar. The camel used to go ahead of the Prophet (SAW), so Ibn Umar's father would say, "O Abdullah! No one should go ahead of the Prophet (SAW)." The Prophet (SAW) said to him, "Sell it to me." Umar said to the Prophet (SAW) "It is for you." So, he bought it and said, "O Abdullah! It is for you, and you can do with it what you like."
Moral : always care even for others children and be the ambassador to spread goodness.
12)The other condition is about praise and attention,how to do it skillfully.
a) the problem is that many parents don't know the skill of praising and how to pay attention to their children.so now wherever you have written the good qualities of your child then you will praise the child based on that,as most of the time we waste our energy in pointing out their mistake.this can be done only by an observant mother, we need to pull out the diamond from the child.write down the qualities of child and speak and praise about it.
b)We need to change our attitude and our way of dealing .yes we must correct them but in a proper informed manner.
For egs if a child speaking very softly and not clearly then ask them to speak again. As you did not understand ,instead of criticizing their way of speech you be nice and ask them.remove terms like buddhu,foolish instead say that u r smart.U understand well.
Similarly say maashaAllah my child has learnt such great manners or say that I liked the way you explained to ur daadi.( grand mum)
For ex a child spilled water then how do we react and do not realize that we have scared him and shaken up his confidence..Also if a child is playing nicely then praise..
c)Do not falsely praise and do not do it to please be genuine,don't kill child's creativity.
We cannot change the child's habit by criticizing, focus on the habit that you want to develop, encourage child.
d)Use good words for the child everyday and you will see the niceness in child if you see the goodness in them,do not pretend but sound natural.this will also help in your behavioral change,u will see positivity in you. You will encourage them in doing good and also correct them when they are wrong.
for ex you have cleaned the room very quickly and fast,do not be miser in your praises make statements and detailed praise showing that you observe your child.Instead we see mothers asking theirchildren in a taunting manner! This is wrong!
They will listen to you attentively to hear what is my mum saying about Me.for ex if they fetch you glass of water then instead of saying just thank you ,you must say oh u got it in my fav glass.
For ex if your child steps put of the house or room leaving the door open behind him..then don't scream at him asking him to close or leave it open..explain to them,teach them the etiquettes...for egs a teacher advised her students that if you enter a room,then leave it open if u found it open or close it if it was closed earlier ...so always take a balanced approach.
e)Then acknowledge their right doing.
If you don't like something that the child did,then do not express at that time, at a different situation, dining table ,explain to them that it is not right.
f)Don't force your choice on them ,sometimes appreciate their choice.
G)Never compare them to other kids.
Always mention the little accomplishments of ur child.
Every child is different don't expect the same from each child.
If child is misbehaving then do not praise to get them to do work, correct them.
Even if the child is struggling and working hard to achieve then praise the child and encourage.don't praise only when they have achieved,Also appreciate their efforts and hard work.
h)Also write and express to ur child about their achievements in a form of card ,they will treasure it forever.for egs a sister shared that she writes small notes in her child's lunch box.with beautiful words.sometimes with dua..
I)Never praise and criticize at the same time.them everything is lost.for example thanks for helping me in my kitchen work but u did not finish ur homework.
J)We should learn how to feed the child,there is a way to emphasize, sometimes their" no"means" yes", Sometimes the child is confused and not sure what he really wants to eat so we need to help the child ,sometimes he says no verbally but when you keep the food in front they will eat.
K)We should say thank u to our kids first,say jazakallhkhair.prophet saws said.
L)Sometimes we are too tired to hear the child's tales.for ex after ghazwaa tabuk, prophet saws returned and was tired yet he enquired about Hazrat Aaisha's activities , her toys.So Don't lose out the time when the child needs your attention ur interest in his activities, you need to be little patient and hear your child out as he is excited to tell you but if you snub an tell him to tell you later,he will not come back to you, the moment is lost! Remember how Prophet saws gave importance to his grand kids even during his most important khutbah,give interest to the child give him the attention.
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