Islamic Parenting Series : 6
Hum aur hum are bacche
Lecture in urdu by Dr Farhat Hashmi
Date: 28.01.2012
Venue: pak education Academy
Recap :
Continuous, Consistent,reminders( in Urdu mustaqil meezaaji.)
Do not self contradict ,do not say too many things.
Feedback from a sister on story of grizzly bear, she saw documentary movie of how the grizzly bear mother lives in the snow covered mountains for five months. ..cannot fend for food so just breast feeds the baby, so the mothers fat in body melts to become milk for baby..the grizzly mother protects it's cubs from the male bear and other dogs ...so we see that it is the mother who has to make many sacrifices more than the dad.
We will review todays lesson and take examples from sunnah.
Today's lecture...
1))We discussed that first identify the problem in order to correct it,this is not only relevant to children but with anyone.
In order to identify the issue listening is very important ,we must listen with complete attention.from Hadith Narrated 'Aisha:
The Jews used to greet the Prophet by saying, "As-Samu 'Alaika (i.e., death be upon you), so I understood what they said, and I said to them, "As-Samu 'alaikum wal-la'na (i.e. Death and Allah's Curse be upon you)." The Prophet said, "Be gentle and calm, O 'Aisha, as Allah likes gentleness in all affairs." I said, "O Allah's Prophet! Didn't you hear what they said?" He said, "Didn't you hear me answering them back by saying, 'Alaikum (i.e., the same be upon you)?"
So from this Hadith we observe that prophet pbuh was a good listener,and he was nurturing Aaisha as well by asking her to remain calm ,gentle.so if anything said wz politeness it becomes beautiful if politeness is removed then it becomes very ugly ( in urdu badsurat).This way nabi is doing tarbiyaa of Aaishaa...
Sometimes in the family the two kids will be different ,so we must not decide or assume that one will be right the other is wrong ,but at that moment Listen to them calmly ,how should you react don't make issues into a fitnah , if u scream, yell then it becomes a big fight so we should deal with it with calmness.shaytann comes in between and his job is to create misunderstanding ,makes u swear,so in Quran Allah says that the believers should use the best speech, if the relatives fight bet themselves then whose loss is it,yours, so the first thing between a quarrel is to calm down,understand the issue, look for solution,don't respond back out of anger,do not react.never curb the problem by screaming make sure you get to the root of problem.
2))
Once Hazrat Aisha said that nabi was to go on his journey so out of sadaqa except for Aaishaa he pbuh gave each wife an animal,camel ,so Aisha RA said why did u not give me any camel.then nabi gave Aisha a brand new she-camel on whom no one had ever sat or rode before like a brand new car...then he advised that do not be harsh,be very gentle with her...this is to nurture her...Hazrat Aisha was very young and brash and would react very quickly,so he explained to her..
3))
Once Sahabah were sitting in the mosque then many mujahir also came ,so they asked if they could talk to Hazrat Aaishaa, she used to talk to Sahabah with a curtain between them,she narrated an incident when a beggar came asking ,so it was asked give him some charity,then Aaisha called to check what was given so nabi said that will u keep an account of everything u give? Then he advised her that no u should not count and give else Allah will count and give...
4)) once nabi saw aaisha s sister Asma counting, measuring before giving so she was advised by prophet pbuh not to count and give since then Asma never counted and gave..
Get the children to have the habit of giving without counting ,they should learn to be charitable...
Don't give same advice to all the kids, counsel them based on their nature, be an observant mum,u can have general talk on dining table but you should counsel the child individually, each child has a dif nature so u have to become a diff mum with diff kids,
This is how nabi advised his different Sahabah, based on their personality ,nature.this is the reason we have different Hadith with diff advice based on the persons character...
5))
If you see the child has picked up swear words from school, then correct him.once abu zar was wearing the same clothes as his slave so he was asked why, then he said that at a time he had sworn at some one about his mum so nabi said that there are still traces of ignorance days in you ..so out of regret and realization he was repenting and being kind and considerate to all..
How to do islaaah, correcting oneself,it is by repenting with sensitivity,
A believer considers a small sin to be a big crime ,he is never at peace with himself,he continues do the kuffaraa for long time , this does not let him become arrogant while for a hypocrite even a big crime committed is easily forgotten, he easily forgets about it,so always ensure that children don't swear...
6))Remember the start of the bad behavior is from incorrect speech..these days children swear by terrible words, or saying hell or other abusive words,,,personal experience, had to work towards removing Hell from dictionary,,explain the description of hell.
Remind children that whatever you utter is being recorded,
7))Once Hazrat Aisha said about someone that she is short, to this nabi pbuh said that what u have said will stain the oceans...
So nabi corrected her right away...so if u find children criticizing or making fun of teacher then correct them there and then...always describe the words they have used and explain how bad it is...always protect urself from bad behavior ,character is like a spotless whilte sheet which needs to be protected, to remain stain free...
Explain to the child in a visual manner not in abstract manner,for egs why should they cut nails, google and show what the bacteria is..if you show them and make them hate it ...
8))Part of nurturing is ,tazkiyaaa which includes two parts which is takhliyaaa( to empty it) & tahlliyaaa( to beautify)
So when the child comes home from school then first part is weeding,remove the dirt he has collected from the school for egs swear words,incorrect ideology,then you beautify their personality,with good words so that a beautiful garden grows in the form of good person for society.
9))Whatever you expect from the child tell them clearly ,if you have not explained then the child does not know,for egs if you leave school at 2 pm then you should be home by2.30 pm give them some time and also give them some space.
Give positive strokes,motivate them encourage them, like nabi said to his little grandson that Hazrat Hassan is my Sardar,will be my leader, and he will bring benefit between two groups, so explain your expectations beforehand and always encourage them,,,
The children in growing age they are exploring keep listening to them n also keep telling them about ur expectations both short term and long term...
Always expect good even from the extraordinary incorrect situations,
Shk Sudais was naughty as a child ,his,mum would always say may Allah give you guidance And make u Imaam of haram masjid, this gives the child guidance ,always keep saying the good,never curse them then you will see the result maybe after ten years...
Don't expect instant results,give time for the tree to give fruits ...long term process...always use good words they echo in their lives...
6))always have good hopes and tell them that you are hopeful of their good achievements, tell them of what you expect of them..nabi pbuh said the ones to eat in the jannah will b bigger than them,,,I expect you to be one of them.,,,
How nabi prepared him about Surah Fatiha,,,created interest and spoke with a new zest...
7)) whatever you teach the child repeat and tell them what you expect from the child again and again so they understand very well,like when prophet taught azaan to the child who was making fun of the mu aadhin and asked him to repeat...
8))
Reminded Anas and asked what did you do of the work That was asked, another Hadith where prophet asked Anas to deliver the letter to someone and watched Anas till he completed his job . So as parents don't be disheartened don't give up...
After break...
We should explain to them the benefits of doing the thing and the loss of not doing it...
For ex Allah has given us the concept of hell and paradise, Allah has explained which path chosen will lead to what , we have been told the result reward to expect based on our deeds. since this is how we have been created,to be motivated to do good,so similarly explain to the kids to motivate them remind them consequence...Allah says whoever calls me I reply back so we have to call out the Creator up then HE responds, it is a two way relationship, what is the advantage of obedience...
If you establish prayer,paid Zakaat then do good deeds then Allah will protect u from bad deeds so Allah has clearly defined and showed the way...
Nabi pbuh asked tell us of ur desire,the person said that I want to be your companion in jannah so nabi said that increase your prostrations,so prophet pbuh channelized the love that if you really want...
Another situation when nabi said I guarantee jannah for the one who gives up his fight inspite of being on the correct side...
So always inform the child that if u do wrong doings then the wrong result...
Also when the ppl become miser and spend on themselves and leave the Deen job..then he is only focussed on himself then such a person will have problems in dunya too,that he does not enjoy that...Nabi said that if u do not pay Zakaat then it will attack u like snakes...
Do not just command the child to do home work also check what the child has done...always keep a watch as well...
Explain the Hadith of reading 12 sunnah to get house in jannah...
Explain kids very clearly about getting jannah is a tough job, the dealing with Allah is an expensive affair,,,,to make home in duniya you take so much of pain and go thru so much of difficulty then what about making a home in jannah...
Gradually increase their steps,make them practice sunnah also after fard,advise them to have good company,,always help n encourage them...
Allah is watching us also there are angels watching them ,kiraman kateeban always together,Dr Farhat From her personal experience said that as children the concept of kiraman kateebeen was engraved so well in theri minds that they they knew they were never alone.
Also dont pressurize them to do as they are your son ordaughter as there can be rwo dis advantages to this.For egs she never asked his son to do good deeds as ppl will say that this is Dr Farhats son, this has two disadvantages, first the child will do good things only for ur sake to please you and there will be no reward/ajar and second is that they will not do when u r not around...their intention will be corrupted.Always give a rightful concept about watchful angels....
If you give responsibility then make sure that the job is done don't forget about it...
Prophet said that I can see your prayers from my back....
Another example from Dr Hashmi's life is that she has said to her son, that I have made duaa that pls let me know if my child does any thing wrong and one day she heard the son was quoting her to his friends that I am scared of doing anything wrong as my mum says she has made such a duaa..if you have nurtured your child well,then you will see the good result later.Ppl ask until when do we do the it until death approaches you,till your last breath.another Hadith where Sahabah were reading the salaat and Hazrat Abu baker was leading the prayer as nabi pbuh was unwell..the Sahabah said that they saw nabi look out at them from his room of how they were all performing their prayers....this was the day he left the duniya for his heavenly abode...
Hum aur hum are bacche
Lecture in urdu by Dr Farhat Hashmi
Date: 28.01.2012
Venue: pak education Academy
Recap :
Continuous, Consistent,reminders( in Urdu mustaqil meezaaji.)
Do not self contradict ,do not say too many things.
Feedback from a sister on story of grizzly bear, she saw documentary movie of how the grizzly bear mother lives in the snow covered mountains for five months. ..cannot fend for food so just breast feeds the baby, so the mothers fat in body melts to become milk for baby..the grizzly mother protects it's cubs from the male bear and other dogs ...so we see that it is the mother who has to make many sacrifices more than the dad.
We will review todays lesson and take examples from sunnah.
Today's lecture...
1))We discussed that first identify the problem in order to correct it,this is not only relevant to children but with anyone.
In order to identify the issue listening is very important ,we must listen with complete attention.from Hadith Narrated 'Aisha:
The Jews used to greet the Prophet by saying, "As-Samu 'Alaika (i.e., death be upon you), so I understood what they said, and I said to them, "As-Samu 'alaikum wal-la'na (i.e. Death and Allah's Curse be upon you)." The Prophet said, "Be gentle and calm, O 'Aisha, as Allah likes gentleness in all affairs." I said, "O Allah's Prophet! Didn't you hear what they said?" He said, "Didn't you hear me answering them back by saying, 'Alaikum (i.e., the same be upon you)?"
So from this Hadith we observe that prophet pbuh was a good listener,and he was nurturing Aaisha as well by asking her to remain calm ,gentle.so if anything said wz politeness it becomes beautiful if politeness is removed then it becomes very ugly ( in urdu badsurat).This way nabi is doing tarbiyaa of Aaishaa...
Sometimes in the family the two kids will be different ,so we must not decide or assume that one will be right the other is wrong ,but at that moment Listen to them calmly ,how should you react don't make issues into a fitnah , if u scream, yell then it becomes a big fight so we should deal with it with calmness.shaytann comes in between and his job is to create misunderstanding ,makes u swear,so in Quran Allah says that the believers should use the best speech, if the relatives fight bet themselves then whose loss is it,yours, so the first thing between a quarrel is to calm down,understand the issue, look for solution,don't respond back out of anger,do not react.never curb the problem by screaming make sure you get to the root of problem.
2))
Once Hazrat Aisha said that nabi was to go on his journey so out of sadaqa except for Aaishaa he pbuh gave each wife an animal,camel ,so Aisha RA said why did u not give me any camel.then nabi gave Aisha a brand new she-camel on whom no one had ever sat or rode before like a brand new car...then he advised that do not be harsh,be very gentle with her...this is to nurture her...Hazrat Aisha was very young and brash and would react very quickly,so he explained to her..
3))
Once Sahabah were sitting in the mosque then many mujahir also came ,so they asked if they could talk to Hazrat Aaishaa, she used to talk to Sahabah with a curtain between them,she narrated an incident when a beggar came asking ,so it was asked give him some charity,then Aaisha called to check what was given so nabi said that will u keep an account of everything u give? Then he advised her that no u should not count and give else Allah will count and give...
4)) once nabi saw aaisha s sister Asma counting, measuring before giving so she was advised by prophet pbuh not to count and give since then Asma never counted and gave..
Get the children to have the habit of giving without counting ,they should learn to be charitable...
Don't give same advice to all the kids, counsel them based on their nature, be an observant mum,u can have general talk on dining table but you should counsel the child individually, each child has a dif nature so u have to become a diff mum with diff kids,
This is how nabi advised his different Sahabah, based on their personality ,nature.this is the reason we have different Hadith with diff advice based on the persons character...
5))
If you see the child has picked up swear words from school, then correct him.once abu zar was wearing the same clothes as his slave so he was asked why, then he said that at a time he had sworn at some one about his mum so nabi said that there are still traces of ignorance days in you ..so out of regret and realization he was repenting and being kind and considerate to all..
How to do islaaah, correcting oneself,it is by repenting with sensitivity,
A believer considers a small sin to be a big crime ,he is never at peace with himself,he continues do the kuffaraa for long time , this does not let him become arrogant while for a hypocrite even a big crime committed is easily forgotten, he easily forgets about it,so always ensure that children don't swear...
6))Remember the start of the bad behavior is from incorrect speech..these days children swear by terrible words, or saying hell or other abusive words,,,personal experience, had to work towards removing Hell from dictionary,,explain the description of hell.
Remind children that whatever you utter is being recorded,
7))Once Hazrat Aisha said about someone that she is short, to this nabi pbuh said that what u have said will stain the oceans...
So nabi corrected her right away...so if u find children criticizing or making fun of teacher then correct them there and then...always describe the words they have used and explain how bad it is...always protect urself from bad behavior ,character is like a spotless whilte sheet which needs to be protected, to remain stain free...
Explain to the child in a visual manner not in abstract manner,for egs why should they cut nails, google and show what the bacteria is..if you show them and make them hate it ...
8))Part of nurturing is ,tazkiyaaa which includes two parts which is takhliyaaa( to empty it) & tahlliyaaa( to beautify)
So when the child comes home from school then first part is weeding,remove the dirt he has collected from the school for egs swear words,incorrect ideology,then you beautify their personality,with good words so that a beautiful garden grows in the form of good person for society.
9))Whatever you expect from the child tell them clearly ,if you have not explained then the child does not know,for egs if you leave school at 2 pm then you should be home by2.30 pm give them some time and also give them some space.
Give positive strokes,motivate them encourage them, like nabi said to his little grandson that Hazrat Hassan is my Sardar,will be my leader, and he will bring benefit between two groups, so explain your expectations beforehand and always encourage them,,,
The children in growing age they are exploring keep listening to them n also keep telling them about ur expectations both short term and long term...
Always expect good even from the extraordinary incorrect situations,
Shk Sudais was naughty as a child ,his,mum would always say may Allah give you guidance And make u Imaam of haram masjid, this gives the child guidance ,always keep saying the good,never curse them then you will see the result maybe after ten years...
Don't expect instant results,give time for the tree to give fruits ...long term process...always use good words they echo in their lives...
6))always have good hopes and tell them that you are hopeful of their good achievements, tell them of what you expect of them..nabi pbuh said the ones to eat in the jannah will b bigger than them,,,I expect you to be one of them.,,,
How nabi prepared him about Surah Fatiha,,,created interest and spoke with a new zest...
7)) whatever you teach the child repeat and tell them what you expect from the child again and again so they understand very well,like when prophet taught azaan to the child who was making fun of the mu aadhin and asked him to repeat...
8))
Reminded Anas and asked what did you do of the work That was asked, another Hadith where prophet asked Anas to deliver the letter to someone and watched Anas till he completed his job . So as parents don't be disheartened don't give up...
After break...
We should explain to them the benefits of doing the thing and the loss of not doing it...
For ex Allah has given us the concept of hell and paradise, Allah has explained which path chosen will lead to what , we have been told the result reward to expect based on our deeds. since this is how we have been created,to be motivated to do good,so similarly explain to the kids to motivate them remind them consequence...Allah says whoever calls me I reply back so we have to call out the Creator up then HE responds, it is a two way relationship, what is the advantage of obedience...
If you establish prayer,paid Zakaat then do good deeds then Allah will protect u from bad deeds so Allah has clearly defined and showed the way...
Nabi pbuh asked tell us of ur desire,the person said that I want to be your companion in jannah so nabi said that increase your prostrations,so prophet pbuh channelized the love that if you really want...
Another situation when nabi said I guarantee jannah for the one who gives up his fight inspite of being on the correct side...
So always inform the child that if u do wrong doings then the wrong result...
Also when the ppl become miser and spend on themselves and leave the Deen job..then he is only focussed on himself then such a person will have problems in dunya too,that he does not enjoy that...Nabi said that if u do not pay Zakaat then it will attack u like snakes...
Do not just command the child to do home work also check what the child has done...always keep a watch as well...
Explain the Hadith of reading 12 sunnah to get house in jannah...
Explain kids very clearly about getting jannah is a tough job, the dealing with Allah is an expensive affair,,,,to make home in duniya you take so much of pain and go thru so much of difficulty then what about making a home in jannah...
Gradually increase their steps,make them practice sunnah also after fard,advise them to have good company,,always help n encourage them...
Allah is watching us also there are angels watching them ,kiraman kateeban always together,Dr Farhat From her personal experience said that as children the concept of kiraman kateebeen was engraved so well in theri minds that they they knew they were never alone.
Also dont pressurize them to do as they are your son ordaughter as there can be rwo dis advantages to this.For egs she never asked his son to do good deeds as ppl will say that this is Dr Farhats son, this has two disadvantages, first the child will do good things only for ur sake to please you and there will be no reward/ajar and second is that they will not do when u r not around...their intention will be corrupted.Always give a rightful concept about watchful angels....
If you give responsibility then make sure that the job is done don't forget about it...
Prophet said that I can see your prayers from my back....
Another example from Dr Hashmi's life is that she has said to her son, that I have made duaa that pls let me know if my child does any thing wrong and one day she heard the son was quoting her to his friends that I am scared of doing anything wrong as my mum says she has made such a duaa..if you have nurtured your child well,then you will see the good result later.Ppl ask until when do we do the it until death approaches you,till your last breath.another Hadith where Sahabah were reading the salaat and Hazrat Abu baker was leading the prayer as nabi pbuh was unwell..the Sahabah said that they saw nabi look out at them from his room of how they were all performing their prayers....this was the day he left the duniya for his heavenly abode...
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